On the Airplane

It never gets old, this flying above the clouds thing. To be so far off the ground, watching all rehlms of famaliarity turning into specks as I watch. And then we break trusting forth through that thick fluffy white layer into a new world. A white carpeted, soft, tentle, continuing, similar world. The Mt peaks prick through, the suns light abounds. Am I in heaven here in this place? Or perhaps nearer to it?

I wonder on the first person to have traveled through this stratesphere. Was their thrill the same as mine? What sort of wandering astonishment penetrated their thoughts so void of factual understanding?

How marvelous our God to create such a world. For thousands of years this fluffy world sat. Unseen. Untouched. And during those thousands of years, this world sung to the glory of God. Nothing the Lord creates goes un appreciated. Just like the wildflowers in the meadow on a Mt top, never seen by human eyes. They bloom for only a few days, and wilt. Even those wildflowers were appreciated by their creator. In all their intricate splendor, the Lord made and enjoyed them for HIS GLORY!

How much more of this world is yet to be discovered? I rest knowing that it does not need to be discovered by mine eyes, but that all things there belonging to the Creator are enjoyed.

Clenched Fists

The Lord is so patient! Oh how hard it is to relinquish control over to Him. I know he is so much more capable than I. He has proved Himself over and over and over again … and yet it’s so easy to get defensive and to want to fight against him. Here is the ironic part, it’s not easy. It’s really hard to fight God, because he wins. He wins every time. Actually, he has already won … he just waits for us to give him the glory for the victory.

I feel like he is this strong father and I am beating his chest with my clenched fists … and you know what he does? He looks down at me, at my wrinkled face and gritted teeth and pounding fists … and he sticks his chest out further so I can hit it harder. He doesn’t grab my hands and force them to a halt. He doesn’t yell at me. He doesn’t hit back. He doesn’t walk away. Oh no … he looks down and he smiles and beams down his love. Then he takes me up in his arms and wraps me in a love that breaks all my defenses. It’s like this paradigm that I don’t really understand … or do I?

I sit here trying to visualize God, trying to understand what it takes to love like He. I am reminded of a time when he showed me that very thing. I was in Armenia, at the orphanage. There was one little boy, and he was so angry. He was not more than three, but while all the other kids were rejoicing in our presence, he fought us. He had clenched teeth… and I took hold of him. And he fought me. He took clenched fists to my chest. And I just hugged him and smiled at him and loved him. I know he didn’t understand my love. I know he didn’t want to relinquish his control to me. But he did. After my arms were around him, his back stopped arching, his head stopped banging, his fists relaxed, and he laid his head on my chest ... and received my love.

I think God wants me to lay my head on his chest and receive his love. I know he does. I am just like that little boy; I know that His love is greater. I know that he is the strong tower, but this sin nature makes me fight. I am glad I serve a patient God. A God who loves me with constancy. Because, sadly … I know my life will be full of clenched fists – but knowing that he is there waiting for me to relinquish my control … I know that I can do it. I know that my God is mighty to save and that he alone is worthy of my praise.

Leaves fall.

I’ve been thinking about Fall. Its my favorite of the seasons you know. I am simply in awe of the sudden weather change and the shifting color in the leaves, from a bright green, to a deep orange – until they fall on the ground and turn brown.

I made a tree out of cardboard and construction paper for my hallway. As Katie picked it up a couple orange leaves fell off. “Heather, the leaves fell!” She exclaimed almost worried, with an unspoken question of whether I would fix the art project. I just responded with “The tree is dying Katie, the leaves have to fall off.” I’ve been thinking about how the tree is dying as it looses its leaves, and yet the dying process is so beautiful.

My Grammy is dying. She has always been a strong tree, and yet like fall, she is quickly deteriorating like a shocking shift in the weather. My initial response is much like Katie’s, I want to repair her with urgency – but she is dying, therefore her leaves must fall. She is the most beautiful in this dying process. Her wrinkles and scars and wounds are more attractive than I imagine her skin to have ever been in her youth. I am glad that our Lord made the dying process beautiful.

Brother Lawrence

Nick loaned me this book. And it is good. Really Good. I’ve been challenged and just finished reading it for the second time this week, and just bought my own copy so I can return Nicks and start marking up my own! You should buy a copy here for $3.64 and read it for yourself! Brother Lawrence lived like 300 years ago, and his sole purpose was to be in Gods presence. He did not see the difference between working, praying or sleeping. He worked to think on NOTHING but God. Here are just a few excerpts from his book …

If the vessel of our soul is still being tossed by winds or storms, we should wake the Lord who has been resting with us all along, and He will swiftly calm the sea. … I honestly cannot understand how people who claim to love the Lord can be content without practicing His presence. … Although I beg Him to do whatever He wishes with me, He does nothing but caress me. … once we get to know Him, we will think about Him even more often, because where our treasure is, there also is our heart! … Because of all He is to us, we owe Him our thoughts, words, and actions.”

Expansion Expanded

(For Harmony)

I grew up mesmerized with the missionaries who came clothed in colorful cloth. They came with seaweed and bamboo and silk. They had stories. I wanted to be them. So bad, I wanted to be them. So, I spent my life striving to be them. I mean after all, if I am willing to go to the Amazon and be shot by a native tribe, then the Lord must send me right?

I spent every single class period in Mr. Bentleys room all throughout Jr. High and Highschool staring out the window; looking towards the western hills that lead to the Pacific which lead to Asia, which lead to Africa. Every day was a new story I would dream up, I would be clothed in one of those magnificent outfits, changing the world for Jesus! If there was anything that the AG taught me, and taught me well, it was how to be passionate. I was 16 and GOING to take over the world for Jesus. I wanted to go anywhere but home.

September 21, 2007 – I arrived in Budapest, Hungary and began the journey I just KNEW God was calling me to. Overseas, it was the first step. I learned some things that I liked to do, but I found lots of things that I didn’t. I missed the culture I knew how to reach. I missed home and longed to one day go to Portland.

So then I go to China! And I spend two months mentally jotting down every motion of a missionaries wife'; wanting, waiting, longing to be her. I found the life to be no where near as exciting as I once thought, it was still life. I also found the mission to be much harder than I thought.

On the way home from that trip, my sister told me it was time for me to go to school. And I was just in this place that I said “OK.” So I picked Multnomah because it was close to Grammy and the church Nick and Mandy were planting. And I enrolled in the intercultural program, because you get to spend a semester abroad … and that is what I am to do … right?

Here we are at the now part. The where I am at the present and where I am going with the future. The who I am and who I desire to become. I am serving at this church, and we are small. Smaller than the small church I grew up in. And I love it. I love it more than I think I have ever loved anything. We are full of inconsistency and hurt and needs. But, our joy and giving and love exceeds all of these. We serve in a Multi-cultural neighborhood … did you see the word culture? Yeah, I just saw it too. I think that is the key here.

Everything I study at school, everything I have learned about missions and cultures and fundraising – it applies right here! It applies more to this neighborhood than to anything else. I know my culture, and I can help teach it to someone else, and my studies of how to relate to them … that helps me …. HERE.

For the first time in my life I am truly content being exactly where I am. This is where I am serving. This is where I want to serve. This is where I want to stay. Who I am depends on who I allow myself to be in the Lord. Where I am allows me to delight in him more than if I were anywhere else. This is how I know I am to be here. Check out this old post to see more of why I delight in him.

So the question of do I have the courage to expand my life? I think I do … because I believe I am doing it right now.

Provision

"And he will give you all you need from day to day if you live in him and make the Kingdom of God your primary concern."

I know God provides. I trust in him for all things. For food. For gas. For bills. I trust he will provide. But, his provision is hindged upon us making the Kingdom of God our primary concern. Many people trust the Lord to provide, but they are not living for the Kingdom ... I am trying to live for the Kingdom. I want the Kingdom to be my concern, my primary concern. I am not living for me but for him ... at that point he will provide and take care of ALL our needs because we are not living for ourselves.

This sounds like a blessing preaching, its not. I am studying for a Gospels quiz tomorrow and this just stood out. The Kingdom needs to be more of a concern of mine.

Bi-Yearly Joy

Justine and I have an unlikely friendship. We have bi-yearly dinner dates that last at least five hours. When we get together, we talk about everything, mainly how our lives revolve around God, and what he is doing and how we can be more productive about getting where he wants us to be. We connect and find similarities and share our hearts. I wish we lived near each other, but for whatever reason, God thinks this relationships is best for now. All I know is that she is encouraging and a very much needed part of my life.

We met in Sunday School at peoples church when we were like four. We did missionettes with Kirsten. We went to Jamaica. Then she moved churches and we lost contact... until Facebook arrived and we found each other: She was in Germany and I was in Hungary. I lives intercepted again when we both returned home, lost and searching for the next part of our lives. We get together and eat ethnic foods, tonight she introduced me to Sushi. We partake in multiple course meals. We lament on how we wish we were MK's. Tonight we compared ourselves to literary characters. Her being most like Laura Ingles, myself most like Josephine March. We are expressive and loud water gulpers.

I shared with Justine what God really taught me this week, I think he has been trying to teach me for a long time. We have heard that in our weakness we are made strong in him. I hear this and know this and try to accept this. Then I started putting it all together: "The Joy of the LORD is my strength." OK so, when we are weak, God is our strength. The strength comes in the form of his Joy. So our strength is joy. When we are weak, we can be joyful! This makes sense when Paul tells us to rejoice in trials and persecution. It is not fake happiness, it is Joy of the Lord despite our current situation! This is so pivotal! We become weak so often, but if we can have Joy in the Lord in the midst of weakness, we will be strong! I may be weak, but you can not steal my Joy!

Goodnight Justine, Thank you for letting me share this gibberish with you tonight. I loved our moving meal at Sushi, and Coffee House, and Sharri's.

Romania

Romania was cold. The snow covered the dirty ground. The buildings were old, they reminded me of war. I went to an old castle, what must have lived there once upon a time? I like that the streets were of cobblestone, it felt old… I think it was. I remember the smell of cabbage. I don’t like cabbage… but our Romanian mama made cabbage taste good.

I remember the living room we practiced in, the ugly design on the couch, the decorations that reminded me of the Carriagas house. The TV that played the Disney channel. The kitchen table that didn’t have enough chairs for us to eat at the same time, how we would “share chairs”.
In Romania I wore the same clothes every day, I had decided to bring as little as possible with me on our driving trip. My feet were always cold. My head was always sweaty, I had a really good hat. It was cold in the house, when we got back, I would put my slippers on and race Abbey to the bed where we would jump in our sleeping bags and stay there until it was absolutely necessary to remove ourselves from them. Usually because the bathroom was free, and we all needed the bathroom because of the cabbage (or water, or something wonderful we put into our bodies). I liked the bath tub. If I was privileged enough to get time alone, I took a bath. I liked that bath tub, the water was really hot.

I liked the little room off of the girls room. The room we would go to have alone time. The room where we would write and pray and cry and sleep. The little room where I wrote Christmas wishes to my family, where I questioned my purpose, the room where I waited for God to respond. In that room I saw it start to snow, a gentle answer from God.

We didn’t really like Romania. There was too much politics. We felt we didn’t do enough ministry. We were all eager about Christmas in Bulgaria. We struggled through following leadership. I sludge through nightly meetings, and morning meetings, and afternoon meetings. We practiced our skit for the gazalionith time - and finally…. Performed it. We were annoyed. We went to McDonalds to get internet. I didn’t like McDonalds. I wanted to be home.
I am listening to the song EVERYTHING right now, the skit that our group did in Romania… and I was taken back. To all the smells and flavors and sights and feelings. How our life then seems like a movie now. I don’t want to back time up and have to go through it again, but I am glad I was in Romania. I cant go to a McDonalds without thinking of that safe Haven of connection to home. I cant see a cabbage or red slippers or cobblestone or the Disney channel or snow - not without thinking of my Dear Romania.

After writing and thinking about the whole Anne of Green Gables thing, now I am sucked back into this life… I see how easy it is to be taken into another “world” per say, but the reality is the world in which I am living now. And thank goodness this is the world I want to be in.

Jonathan

Jonathan was at College Group tonight, he is there about once a month. I spent the early years at peoples church with him in my sunday school class, I think my mom watched his sister. he was always weird. and now he is tall, and kinda stinky.

He came to Dennys tonight, he likes to come to Dennys. I think he likes feeling included. We like having people along! He told me that his mom kicked him out of his house cuase they fight too much. " Do you think you do?" " Ya" was his guilty reply.

"So Now I am living downtown. With my friends, you know. We slept under the bridge last night, I didnt sleep very well... We have to get to the Mission before they close... they close too early. Jeff invited me to sleep at his house tonight, but him and his wife go to sleep at 10, we wont be done at Dennys by 10, besides I have to leave when they get up at 6, I hate waking up at 6... I think I will just go back downtown. I might be going to Vancover this week, I might have job, I just need 1200 dollars, then I will go to Australia."

He came to Dennys, nobody new anything, they just thought he was, ya know, Jonathan. They didnt know that my $4.60 was buying him and I both dinner. They didnt know that the back back he had pushed under his feet was all he owned. They didnt know that he stinks becuase he hasnt been able to get to a shower. They didnt know.

I offered to take him to Jeffs, but he decided not too, it was too late. He said he had a friend nearby who would let him in and he opted to walk anyway. He's only like 17. I had never seen him so hopeless. He has gone to Peoples church for as long as I could ever remember, and now he is on the street and he is still making an effort to go, despite the jeering from his street friends. I decided something else. Homelessness is awkward, kinda like death... because it is just not suppose to be. It's one of those things that we want to fix, and cant. I didnt have any cash on me to give Jonathan. I didnt have a place to offer him to stay. I had nothing to give him except the hope of running into him again next week, assuming he can get there. I have no way to contact him... unless I go looking under the bridge.

I also have been keeping my eye out for Ron, he is the homeless guy whose corner is by the gas station on portland road. I saw him once at New Harvest Church. I think I liked the church just becuase there was a homeless guy there, well actually there was two, and another church member was sitting by them. I liked that. It reminded me of the song by Todd Agnew, My Jesus

Cause my Jesus would never be accepted in my church

The blood and dirt on His feet might stain the carpet

He was accepted in that church. I see Ron on his corner when ever I go by, and I pray for him. I know his name is Ron cause I gave him my lunch a few weeks ago, and he smiled, and I shook his hand, and we exchanged names.

I like the homeless ministry that Salem Alliance Church does, how they feed them every week. How it is not a job they have to do, but something they love to do. After serving one week, Heather said to me "I like how the people working there know the homeless people by name." I thought that was pretty cool too. They are treated like people. They are people.

Jesus said "Blessed are the poor for they will inherit the earth." I wonder what that means... to inherit the earth. Other translations say "the kingdom of heaven is theirs." I guess it is this humbleness that comes from poverty. Its the vulnerability and rawness that fully encompasses a person who has, of worldly standards, little worth. The kingdom of heaven is ours for the grasping - how much easier for those who have little to see the riches our Father has for them, not all accept... but maybe we should be a little more like Ron, and Jonathan, and the guy feeding the birds.

I guess... I decided I like homeless people. I dont know why, most of them are depressed, and I really dont like depressed people, but... at least they are raw. They have nothing left to hide. Maybe their vulnerability is forced, but they are vulnerable. I like that.

Death is awkward.

I went to a funeral this week. I don't remember ever being to a funeral before. I think I might have been at my grandmas, but the only thing I remember about that day was riding in the limo with my Grandpa. I also think I was at my Uncle Charlies funeral a few years ago, I was so sick that weekend that I mentally wasn't there enough to remember it. I think I will remember this one for a long time.

Victor Hoffer died a week ago Friday in a car crash. Him and his new bride (only six weeks married) were on his way to his families house when he hit a slick part of the road and crashed into another car. I have only met Victor a few times. He was the much older brother of one of my once closest friends, Paul. When Heather told me what happened... I was shocked, I mean stuff like this happens to other people right? He was 31 and full of life.

I went to the funeral out of respect for Paul, for the family. I was amazed at how many other people did the same.... so many young people from school, students that may have never met Victor before - but were there for respect of the family that has been so involved in all of our lives. It really was a celebration of life, a life lived to the fullest. We sang hymns about heaven and of our glorious Lord, and heard how God hears the tears of those who weep.

It was when Paul spoke that I really listened up. He stood from his chair, slowly and gently letting go his grasp of both his parents hands. He raised the mic and said these short words....
"At my High school Graduation I spoke on living life to the fullest - Victors life was just that..." I was in that graduation, I was one of the students he spoke to, and I was here to hear part two of that speech, neither of which he probably wanted to give. His speech is complete now in my mind and cemented with a visual that surpasses all else. What he was talking about was real - and achievable.

After the ceremony, and the funeral procession, we returned to the church for "refreshments." We walked through the door and Kirsten gave Lynell (Paul and Victors mom) a hug and said to her "How are you?" she just kinda shrugged and smiled. We walked on and Kirsten shook her head and looked at me.... "that was a stupid thing to say. I cant believe I just asked her how she was. That was really awkward." Heather Kirsten and I stood around not knowing what else to do. It was awkward. We wanted to talk to Paul, we had nothing to say, nothing that wouldn't be awkward. We haven't talked in like a year anyway. We didn't say anything... I guess either way, it was awkward.

Later as I was thinking about it I decided that death is awkward. It is suppose to be awkward. Although it is a part of life and we all experience it and can expect it - it will always be awkward. God didn't create the world to have death, and anything apart from God is awkward because his presence is absent. So I decided that it is OK for death to be awkward, and there is nothing much we can do to make it less so... because God is life. So in that respect, I will celebrate life.

Feed the Sheep

I heard this analagy today...

"The shepherd may lead the sheep to the meadow, but he doesnt tell them which tuff of grass to eat."

God is so closly paralled to a Shepherd in the Bible, how we hear his voice, how he watches over us, how he knows us by name and will protect us and nurture us... but this idea is that though the Shepherd is ultimate love, he does not control. Love is not controling. When the sheep trust the Shepherds leading to the meadow, they are trusting that all the grass within that meadow is safe. Not all of it is... but he is watching and ready to help them up if they fall, but letting them choose what they eat.

Once again... I just thought this was interesting.

Gods will - Part 1

Ok so I want to share what I have been learning about Gods will... more will come, I am going to study it more this week. But this is what I have been picking up, been thinking about. I am not set on any of this, it is just the ideas and revelations that have been rolling through my typewriter head...

God has a very specific will. The bible lists specific wills for Gods people such as: (1) Salvation, (2) Holy Spirit led life, (3) Sanctification, (4) Thankfulness, (5) Suffering. He actually writes in his word that he wills his chilren these things. I have heard lots of theories over the years and I am not pushing one, but this is what I have been thinking and am open to ideas and change of mind...

We spend so much of our life worrying about figuring our Gods will. My bible teacher use to talk about his friend who actually prayed about what socks to put on in the morning because he believed that God had a will for everything he did. I have also heard that anything we do with good intentions is in Gods will.... I think it is somewhere much more in the middle. I think that God is a little less specific than I have made him to be in my mind. I have been that one searching so hard after that "one thing" and getting frusterated or delayed in awaiting an answer for his will in a certain situation. But I think God wants us to act, to do, not to wait and rot.

If we are doing Gods biblical will, then we are purified in every area, suffering but thankful saved and led by the spirit. If we are doing these things then... I think we have choice. We have a lot more choice than I have let myself believe. This season God has deffinatly been asking me "what do you want?" And I just didnt know how to respond. I always said "I want what you want." And he would repeat, "ok... what do you want?" I got confused and argued much like when Peter was repeatedly told to eat the meat (Acts 10:9-16) Patiently God returned the same answer.

I want what Gods wants,God wants me to know what I want. If I am in his will, then my heart will be beating with his, my dreams will be his and I will know. There are times that he makes things much clearer than others, when he really makes sure he is seen and heard, but for those times that his voice is gentle or absent we need to have a little more trust in the relationship we hold with him.

We are here to delight in God, and for him to delight in what we do; to persue him, to let him persue us. If that is what we are going after then I believe we are in his will, I think. When it comes to making a decision and I dont feel an urging in either direction after much prayer, I feel now it will be easier to make a decision, which one will help me delight in the Lord? Will one of them distract me more?

Just comparing all that to my life, I think God has plans for me, gifts that are only mine, places only I will go, people I will impact, things I will do.... but so much along the way is open for me to delight in him. Jo March in Little Women says "I would have been a great many things." I love that line so much, because it is true. I would have been a great many things. As I look at my list of little girl dreams it spaned from Nurse to Meterologist to Farmer, Politician, Librarian, Framer, Artist, Musician and Clown. I would have been a great all those things. But what I will be the most great at is what I choose to delight myself in the Lord in. For now, that is doing exactly what I am doing. For the future that will include working with kids, being a mama like Harmony, sharing my faith like Matthew, writing, dreaming, talking with people... and all the other wonderful things that will come. Those are the things that I delight in when I do them, that through them I bring delight to God.

I am realizing I dont know Gods will more than most people and though the first week of this topic I thought I had it figured out, I now am more confused than when we started. But I am so in love with the study of it! Gods will for my life is not more special than for my neighbor or the will he has for that person in Hungry or for the greatest Pastor. We are all equal and undeserving of his grace, yet somehow his love is poured out and he keeps holding us when we stumble. (Psalm 37:23-24)

I am learning and seeking and it is good.

Vulnerability

A few weeks ago I started going to a small group at Salem Alliance, its been realy amazing.

It is the first group that feels simply real. Real to the core. Its not showy or clicky or even churchy. It just is. The couple that are leading it are really in love with Jesus. Matt and Susan have stories that I cant wait to unfold! They are simply seeking life as are we. They spent 13 years preparing to be missionaries in France with there 3 girls but find themselves in Salem, where he grew up, leading a college small group. They are just seeking.

For 4 weeks we have been discusing Gods Will. My life perspective is changing. First off I love this group because it gets me to think deep, but that good kind of deep thinking, the healthy kind. And I loved that the first week he asked a question I didnt know the answer to! I got so excited! What a weirdo right? It means there is room to grow! Not knowing the answer means that an answer needs to be found! It means that study is involved and my brain just jumped on board!

I like that real questions are asked. Its like sensative subjects almost force chosen vulnerability. I love talking about things, but am not always the best at figuring out how to start it. I walked in today and Susan asked Heather and I where we were going to chuch, we said we were kinda looking. Rather than giving the expeced response of "oh" (that "oh" followed by an interesting facial expression that implys more than the listener really intended to imply) she asked "So what have you noticed at these churches? What is the same with them?" I was really taken back because the question was so unexpected, she really cared and was interested. I talked about how worship was the same at most places. The worship teams were good, the song choices were good - but the response from the audiance was quite ususally bland. Anyways, her simple question got 6 of us talking about worship for like 30 minutes. Then when Matt came in he asked 2 more questions : (1) If you could do one thing in life what would it be and, (2) what is the worst mistake you have ever made. It was just cool, cause he expected answers. So people answered. And when the day was started with vulnerability, we were able to carry that into our days conversation, that vulnerability. Its good.

SYATP - part 3

Ok so after the day I went to coffee with my group of friends and it was jus really nice. We were sitting around sipping chai and hot chocolate and discusing the falling maturity of our generation. Things dont apply to us anymore because we are beyond them. We are further than the youth pastors expect us to be, we are at a deeper level then everybody else...

But we concluded that we are not necessarily stronger than the other students, we are merely where we should be and they are far behind eating from the hands of bottle feeding pastors. That sounds so terribly dis-respectful from my side, and I dont necessarily intend it to be, but we reached a sad reality that so few are where they should be with God. I mean, my group of 7, we are striving after God and are much deeper than so many others - but we have so far to go to be where we need to be.... how far away does that make everyone else?

I was really shown the importance of equal leveled fellowship, our souls thrive for it. Even though some of the party were ready to head home for the night... we stayed and talked of Gods goodness... because he is good. We shared of things he is teaching us and training us and of where we need to be. It was just nice because it doesnt happen as often as it should.

SYATP

Today was See-You-At-The-Pole... it made me pretty angry. I always start these days excited, but end somewhat discouraged. Lauren Barker and I (both alumni) met with Sharell Zier and a random youth pastor at my past high schools flag pole this morning at 7 am. We had a good time of worship and fellowship.... I just wonder why no one else could come. I didnt need the support, but I know God sure would have loved the praise. For being a Christian school... I thought that more than one student would show.

Its not like the day was forgotten, students knew. Even as they began to arrive at school, they walked past, talking loudly.... none joining. I got really annoyed. "The Nerve!" I guess we, they take prayer for granted. We can do it all the time. They pray in classes, but I just wish it was stressed more. I wish students wanted the change they claim. I wish that I was not alone looking like the crazy alumni who cant get off her campus. I can! I just believe that God wants to move in and through that school... and I am not going to school so I needed a flag pole this morning. Is that ok?

Expectations.

I was talking to Jessica Henson today about expectations. We get so pre-occupied with what expectations have been placed upon us that we forget to be expectant ourselves. We feel the need to live up to expectations, but we forget to live in expectancy of God. The Bible teaches us to live in "eager expectancy" ( Philippians 1:20 ) ... but that verb changes forms when we live eager to fulfill expecations. This is not a study I did, I didnt look up verses and such, but I think it is good be be expecatnt of God and not as worried about fulfilling expectations.

Trinity and Us

At college group we are going through the video series the Truth Project. It is really amazingly enlightening. I was quite cold to the idea of watching a video series when I first heard of it... but it stretches my mind, I guess that is what it is suppose to do. Anyways...

Tonight there was a really interesting point made, I want to research it more but it intrigued me none the less. There is the trinity GOD-JESUS-HOLYSPIRIT (HS) . Then when Christ assended to Heaven he sent us the HS to be with us always. ( John 16:5-7 )The HS is in us. So... Because the HS is in us, and he is part of the 3 part trinity, we are with God too. The New Testament is so full of references to being ONE. One with God, one with another... So the HS is what brings us into that closer relationship. Jesus intercedes for us to God, the HS leads us in pray to God. We are in God cause we are in the HS. So we are that close, that intimate. Like one of my favorite worship songs goes, "sometimes you are closer than my skin." It is literally true.

Pure Hearts

"Who may climb the mountain of the LORD? Who may stand in his holy place? Only those whose hands and hearts are pure, who do not worship idols and never tell lies. They will receive the LORDS blessing and have right standing with God their savior. They alone may enter God's presence and worship the God if Jacob." (Psalm 24:3-6)

"Blessed are the pure of heart, for the will see God." (Matthew 5:8)

Every day cries fly toward heaven asking, begging to see God. We want Gods blessing, we want to stand right with him and be covered in his presence and own his intimacy, but we cant. He wants to be first in our life, to be the only love.

We will see him when we purify our hearts, when we wipe out everything not of him. We will hear his voice when we push away all other thoughts, when we are purified. We can not serve to masters, therefore since he is pure,we must be pure.

The enemy attacks us in the areas that could be most powerful, he wants to take us down in our strengths. Purity is so important to God, to our relationship with him, that is why the enemy is attacking it in our generation so strongly. He wants so bad to take it down, to stop us from intimacy and purity. He knows the danger of us having pure hearts. SO LETS HAVE THEM!!!

I want to see God, I want to assend the Hill of the LORD and enter his presence. If this can only be done by me purifying myself, then I will keep purifying till I find that which I seek.

I claim the victory

Tonight I was talking to Anna Biddason on skype for a long time and we had a great conversation, so I took the stuff I wrote to her and turned it into a blog. Cause I thought other people besides her might like to read it.

Every day I struggle with myself. It is so weird, either I am losing my mind or God is capturing it. (I like to think upon the latter) I really believe that the enemy has a strong hold of Confusion over much of our generation. So many young people just "now knowing" what they are doing. Too many times is the phrase “I don’t know” uttered among my friends. With those I am with… we want to know, but don’t. There are too many others that have simply stopped seeking because they got tired of not finding.

I keep studying the scripture that says "I am the good shepherd and the sheep know the shepherds voice" then I cry out "Lord, you are my shepherd, why do I not recognize your voice outside of the wolf?"

so I am starting to claim my mind in Jesus name, I am claiming that the enemy does not have a hold on me because I think he is trying so hard to hold me back from what God has.

I have been trying to just see into the spiritual realm. "God what are you doing?" If I cant tell, then I try to recognize where I am being attacked, where I am weak. Those are the points that God is trying to strengthen. The very spots that we feel fading are the ones God is trying to brighten. The enemy always attacks before the climax, I believe. He gives one final oomph attempt before giving up. he is so scared of what we can do in the name of Jesus that he waits to see where god is going to strengthen us, then tries to attack in those areas thinking he can pull us down.... what he doesn’t realize is that once God starts to strengthen us, we already have God on our side and he will lose.

It is a battle we have already won if we will just claim the victory. If we will just recognize that the battle is there in the first place. How can we win if we don’t know we are fighting?

So I say, “the victory is mine in Christ!”
I say, “Confusion, you are NO MORE!”
I say, “God I know your voice!”

The victory is mine. Confusion is gone. I hear Gods voice

Who and Why?

You are good.

You are good.

You are good.

What are you?

And Who?

You are my forever friend, my companion, my jealous one.

You sing crazy songs about me and wisper winds in my ear.

You are the tree I climb and the one I call mine.

You are the freshness I smell and the silk that I feel.

You are whatever I need you to be.

You are everything to me.

Who are you?

And why?

You are because you are.

You are why I am me.

You can not be questioned because your existance is unquestionable.

Why are you?

And how?