Expansion Expanded

(For Harmony)

I grew up mesmerized with the missionaries who came clothed in colorful cloth. They came with seaweed and bamboo and silk. They had stories. I wanted to be them. So bad, I wanted to be them. So, I spent my life striving to be them. I mean after all, if I am willing to go to the Amazon and be shot by a native tribe, then the Lord must send me right?

I spent every single class period in Mr. Bentleys room all throughout Jr. High and Highschool staring out the window; looking towards the western hills that lead to the Pacific which lead to Asia, which lead to Africa. Every day was a new story I would dream up, I would be clothed in one of those magnificent outfits, changing the world for Jesus! If there was anything that the AG taught me, and taught me well, it was how to be passionate. I was 16 and GOING to take over the world for Jesus. I wanted to go anywhere but home.

September 21, 2007 – I arrived in Budapest, Hungary and began the journey I just KNEW God was calling me to. Overseas, it was the first step. I learned some things that I liked to do, but I found lots of things that I didn’t. I missed the culture I knew how to reach. I missed home and longed to one day go to Portland.

So then I go to China! And I spend two months mentally jotting down every motion of a missionaries wife'; wanting, waiting, longing to be her. I found the life to be no where near as exciting as I once thought, it was still life. I also found the mission to be much harder than I thought.

On the way home from that trip, my sister told me it was time for me to go to school. And I was just in this place that I said “OK.” So I picked Multnomah because it was close to Grammy and the church Nick and Mandy were planting. And I enrolled in the intercultural program, because you get to spend a semester abroad … and that is what I am to do … right?

Here we are at the now part. The where I am at the present and where I am going with the future. The who I am and who I desire to become. I am serving at this church, and we are small. Smaller than the small church I grew up in. And I love it. I love it more than I think I have ever loved anything. We are full of inconsistency and hurt and needs. But, our joy and giving and love exceeds all of these. We serve in a Multi-cultural neighborhood … did you see the word culture? Yeah, I just saw it too. I think that is the key here.

Everything I study at school, everything I have learned about missions and cultures and fundraising – it applies right here! It applies more to this neighborhood than to anything else. I know my culture, and I can help teach it to someone else, and my studies of how to relate to them … that helps me …. HERE.

For the first time in my life I am truly content being exactly where I am. This is where I am serving. This is where I want to serve. This is where I want to stay. Who I am depends on who I allow myself to be in the Lord. Where I am allows me to delight in him more than if I were anywhere else. This is how I know I am to be here. Check out this old post to see more of why I delight in him.

So the question of do I have the courage to expand my life? I think I do … because I believe I am doing it right now.

Gods will - Part 1

Ok so I want to share what I have been learning about Gods will... more will come, I am going to study it more this week. But this is what I have been picking up, been thinking about. I am not set on any of this, it is just the ideas and revelations that have been rolling through my typewriter head...

God has a very specific will. The bible lists specific wills for Gods people such as: (1) Salvation, (2) Holy Spirit led life, (3) Sanctification, (4) Thankfulness, (5) Suffering. He actually writes in his word that he wills his chilren these things. I have heard lots of theories over the years and I am not pushing one, but this is what I have been thinking and am open to ideas and change of mind...

We spend so much of our life worrying about figuring our Gods will. My bible teacher use to talk about his friend who actually prayed about what socks to put on in the morning because he believed that God had a will for everything he did. I have also heard that anything we do with good intentions is in Gods will.... I think it is somewhere much more in the middle. I think that God is a little less specific than I have made him to be in my mind. I have been that one searching so hard after that "one thing" and getting frusterated or delayed in awaiting an answer for his will in a certain situation. But I think God wants us to act, to do, not to wait and rot.

If we are doing Gods biblical will, then we are purified in every area, suffering but thankful saved and led by the spirit. If we are doing these things then... I think we have choice. We have a lot more choice than I have let myself believe. This season God has deffinatly been asking me "what do you want?" And I just didnt know how to respond. I always said "I want what you want." And he would repeat, "ok... what do you want?" I got confused and argued much like when Peter was repeatedly told to eat the meat (Acts 10:9-16) Patiently God returned the same answer.

I want what Gods wants,God wants me to know what I want. If I am in his will, then my heart will be beating with his, my dreams will be his and I will know. There are times that he makes things much clearer than others, when he really makes sure he is seen and heard, but for those times that his voice is gentle or absent we need to have a little more trust in the relationship we hold with him.

We are here to delight in God, and for him to delight in what we do; to persue him, to let him persue us. If that is what we are going after then I believe we are in his will, I think. When it comes to making a decision and I dont feel an urging in either direction after much prayer, I feel now it will be easier to make a decision, which one will help me delight in the Lord? Will one of them distract me more?

Just comparing all that to my life, I think God has plans for me, gifts that are only mine, places only I will go, people I will impact, things I will do.... but so much along the way is open for me to delight in him. Jo March in Little Women says "I would have been a great many things." I love that line so much, because it is true. I would have been a great many things. As I look at my list of little girl dreams it spaned from Nurse to Meterologist to Farmer, Politician, Librarian, Framer, Artist, Musician and Clown. I would have been a great all those things. But what I will be the most great at is what I choose to delight myself in the Lord in. For now, that is doing exactly what I am doing. For the future that will include working with kids, being a mama like Harmony, sharing my faith like Matthew, writing, dreaming, talking with people... and all the other wonderful things that will come. Those are the things that I delight in when I do them, that through them I bring delight to God.

I am realizing I dont know Gods will more than most people and though the first week of this topic I thought I had it figured out, I now am more confused than when we started. But I am so in love with the study of it! Gods will for my life is not more special than for my neighbor or the will he has for that person in Hungry or for the greatest Pastor. We are all equal and undeserving of his grace, yet somehow his love is poured out and he keeps holding us when we stumble. (Psalm 37:23-24)

I am learning and seeking and it is good.

Vulnerability

A few weeks ago I started going to a small group at Salem Alliance, its been realy amazing.

It is the first group that feels simply real. Real to the core. Its not showy or clicky or even churchy. It just is. The couple that are leading it are really in love with Jesus. Matt and Susan have stories that I cant wait to unfold! They are simply seeking life as are we. They spent 13 years preparing to be missionaries in France with there 3 girls but find themselves in Salem, where he grew up, leading a college small group. They are just seeking.

For 4 weeks we have been discusing Gods Will. My life perspective is changing. First off I love this group because it gets me to think deep, but that good kind of deep thinking, the healthy kind. And I loved that the first week he asked a question I didnt know the answer to! I got so excited! What a weirdo right? It means there is room to grow! Not knowing the answer means that an answer needs to be found! It means that study is involved and my brain just jumped on board!

I like that real questions are asked. Its like sensative subjects almost force chosen vulnerability. I love talking about things, but am not always the best at figuring out how to start it. I walked in today and Susan asked Heather and I where we were going to chuch, we said we were kinda looking. Rather than giving the expeced response of "oh" (that "oh" followed by an interesting facial expression that implys more than the listener really intended to imply) she asked "So what have you noticed at these churches? What is the same with them?" I was really taken back because the question was so unexpected, she really cared and was interested. I talked about how worship was the same at most places. The worship teams were good, the song choices were good - but the response from the audiance was quite ususally bland. Anyways, her simple question got 6 of us talking about worship for like 30 minutes. Then when Matt came in he asked 2 more questions : (1) If you could do one thing in life what would it be and, (2) what is the worst mistake you have ever made. It was just cool, cause he expected answers. So people answered. And when the day was started with vulnerability, we were able to carry that into our days conversation, that vulnerability. Its good.