I sit in a place full of wondering, question awe. My confidence is dripping with fear and my high shoulders sag from invisable weight. A season, a transitional period in which I am to decide the direction of my life. It is this place, somewhere between spring and summer, between forward and backward, this somewhere just between. I wait with urgent patience as I hold a pestimistic attitude towards optimism. I guess I just want answers given to me, I want to just hear his voice and move forward. But this time that just is not the case. I seek and seek and find myself still seeeking.
I dont always want all the answers, but one would be nice. I dont want to re-learn lessons I have already learned, I want to learn from them and move on... not go through them in repetition. The Israelites learned the same lessons over and over and over, well they never really learned. I want to go through something, learn it, and move on. I know not to worry about money. I know. I know not to stress about decisions, yet I do. I know better than to get caught up with my life, but sometimes it happens.
I want to kick my legs and pump this swing higher and higher, even if i risk fliping 'round the bar. That is what I want, but I find myself dangled legged and rocking gently in the wind. It's like I am trying so hard to find an earthquake that I will almost create one.
"...And as Elijah stood there, the LORD passed by and a mighty windstorm hit the mountain. It was such a terrible blast that the rocks were torn loose, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake there was a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire there was the sound of a gentle wisper..." (1 Kings 19:11-12)
How easy it is to get caught up in questioning situations. How much my mind desires an informational download, or my face a good slap. I desire so much that it is complexity to see the simple. He is a gentle wisper, and everything else I put above that will drown him out.
4 comments:
I love you..
Yuts, daw palagpat imo blog.
Well, nice and all that the lottery leaves you "comments"--- but maybe mine can be a little more substantial! First, from a writing standpoint, the paragraph about the swing (and pumping your legs, etc.) was really incredible. I'm sure you feel that way about it though!-- it's nice to read something we've written when it's GOOD! Anyway, it's a really great paragraph, not too exaggerated in the analogy, just perfectly, concisely saying it all.
Second, I really understand this time in your life. The feelings, at least. Keep waiting for that gentle whisper. Do the things you KNOW you should do now, little though they may be-- things that bless and encourage-- dishes, laundry, surprise gas in the car. Take on tasks that are yucky, or uninteresting-- and excel in them. Learn to do them for Jesus. Focus on that, doing EVERYTHING for Jesus.
Be faithful in the little things, and you will be entrusted with much. Jesus worked in a carpenter shop for 30 years before ever seeming to leave his mark. David may have done great things as a youth, sporadically, but he also was 30 years old before he actually got to put on the mantle of that which he'd been anointed so many years before-- King.
We "don't let anyone look down on us because we are young"-- but we do that by being humble, by humbly serving, whatever the menial task may be.
Those of us who grow up with grandiose visions of "what we can do for God" have a humble pie coming to learn what God wants to do in us. By all our accounts, Matthew ought to have been off raising the dead in China 8 years ago. God would have rather he stayed here and learned the hard lessons from running his own business, from becoming one with his wife, from being a dad. God's ways are not our ways, nor are his thoughts our thoughts. We would seriously mess things up.
"Then the Lord answered me and said,
'Record the vision and inscribe it on tablets, that the one who reads it may run. For the vision is yet for the appointed time; it hastens toward the goal and it will not fail. Though it tarries, wait for it; for it will certainly come, it will not delay. Behold, as for the proud one, his soul is not right within him; but the righteous will live by his faith.'" Habakkuk 2:2-4
Now that I've written you a book...
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