Dripping Confidence, Gentle Wisper

I sit in a place full of wondering, question awe. My confidence is dripping with fear and my high shoulders sag from invisable weight. A season, a transitional period in which I am to decide the direction of my life. It is this place, somewhere between spring and summer, between forward and backward, this somewhere just between. I wait with urgent patience as I hold a pestimistic attitude towards optimism. I guess I just want answers given to me, I want to just hear his voice and move forward. But this time that just is not the case. I seek and seek and find myself still seeeking.

I dont always want all the answers, but one would be nice. I dont want to re-learn lessons I have already learned, I want to learn from them and move on... not go through them in repetition. The Israelites learned the same lessons over and over and over, well they never really learned. I want to go through something, learn it, and move on. I know not to worry about money. I know. I know not to stress about decisions, yet I do. I know better than to get caught up with my life, but sometimes it happens.

I want to kick my legs and pump this swing higher and higher, even if i risk fliping 'round the bar. That is what I want, but I find myself dangled legged and rocking gently in the wind. It's like I am trying so hard to find an earthquake that I will almost create one.

"...And as Elijah stood there, the LORD passed by and a mighty windstorm hit the mountain. It was such a terrible blast that the rocks were torn loose, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake there was a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire there was the sound of a gentle wisper..." (1 Kings 19:11-12)

How easy it is to get caught up in questioning situations. How much my mind desires an informational download, or my face a good slap. I desire so much that it is complexity to see the simple. He is a gentle wisper, and everything else I put above that will drown him out.

Prideful Humility

"There is hardly a man alive who dares to be who he is without doctering up the impression."

I am listening to a short sermon I have heard many times before because the words have been running through my head for days. It's about pride and I have been just slapped silly as the words repeat over and over.

"The more humility a person has, the greater true self worth that person has."

If I want to have worth, I have to be humble. Worth does not come through who I make myself appear to be. No, worth comes from me being me even if it is not as good as the appeared self.

"We are constantly trying to come across better than we are..."

Its true. What person does not try to make themself look better than they really are. I know how to put the smile on and say the right words. How to make it seem to others that my life is perfectly without flaw. It just depends on who we are with, at least for me. In some small way I try to better myself towards them, to relate better to them. Because some trigger in the back of my mind says that is what they are looking for. What they are looking for is for me to be me... all the time.

"Humility is to be willing to be known for who you are; Pride is trying to be known for who you are not."

I dont want to ever feel like I need to docter myself up. I want to be that minority that dares to be who I am. But I want who I am to be worth being.

Love

Last night I was talking with my best friend Heather Potter about love. Such a deep subject. What is it? When I first hear the word the pages of my bible opening to 1 Corinthians 13 automatically jump into my mind. "Love is patient, love is kind. Love is never jealous or boast for or proud or rude..." But this verst just demonstrates how to love. And what love is not. I think there are so many levels of love.

I grew up with the understanding that we are to love all people as Christ loved all. We are to love beyond judments and differences. I do. I find it very easy to love at a moments notice. At first I thought love is what you do for someone... I would do anything for anyone at a moments notice though, like seriously. That is who I am, that is the mindset that has been poured into me from my parents and my church. I am to love. This kind of love seems so simple, so natural.

There is deeper love. There are those that I love in a different area of my heart, those that I would without question I would take a bullet for. This kind of love draws me closer to the love that the father wants. This love can not be extended to every person, we dont have enough strength to give it to all. God blesses us with some to love deeper.

Then there is the love between a man and woman, a husband a wife. This kind of love is the closest love that a person can experience outside of that with the father. This love prepares us for a deeper relationship with the father. It is reserved and secret and strong.

But above all loves, is the love I have for my father, the one who created the world in which I live. With him is a love so deep that not even the most outrageous rebelious act could seperate us from it. He is love and in return gives it and receives it.

When I say "I love you" I mean it... but I think that depending on the relationship those words can be stronger. To a total stranger, a homeless person... I love them, they may be surprised, but I love them. And when I am alone in my room and I tell my maker I love him... It is the same love... but deeper, more intimate. Loving that homeless person is loving him.

My lil boys

I spent a week with my nephews Solomon and Benjamin. It's been a year since I saw them last... that is a long time for little boys who are now 2 and 3. I try to keep in touch with them, but phone calls only go so far... this past week it was like reconnecting all over again. I seemed to be there most bestest playmate - willing to do or play anything.

It was different for me to be with boys, I am use to my 4 familes of all girls that I babysit, so it was a nice change of scenery. The time I had with them was short, but full of fun.

The first morning I was there Solomon said to me finished the last of his meal...

"Do you know what my favorite part of lunch is? The SALAD, because of the cucombers and dressing."

Harmony laughed and said that was going in my blog... so there it is. Haha.

I learned how sensitive little boys can be. I tried to learn as I am on this journey to discover the innerdwellings of childrens philosophical minds. Benjamin is scared of auto-flushing toilets (because they dont recgonize his weight and flush while he is sitting on them.) Solomon is scared of cars because he has an understanding of death. I like that they have their fears, and knowing that someday they will get over them. But when I bend down the their perspective, I understand completely... I would be scared too. They helped me learn, I think they always will.

MY sister

I always find it intriging how long my sister and I can go without seeing each other and still be great friends. I sure do miss her while we are away, but being together is just like always, except now I am more of the person that I remember her to be. I am the antsty teenager hanging in coffee shops and spending all my money on traveling. I see her now, and know that only a few years down the road I will be where she is. I suppose I will be a mama and I will smile at younger girls who become me, who complete the circle of life we follow.

I respect my sister with all that she is. She, at this time of her life is a fast paced, smiling, cooking, reading, blogging mama... and she is happy. She seems content where she is, something I am desperatly trying to learn. And although I look up to her as a mama... she is still just my sister. She is the same one that played doll house with me and dressed me up and held me the few times I decided to cry. She looks the same to me, despite the bulging belling. While I was visiting her, a few times people said we looked alike, that made me smile because... being little I was so different in my appearance... now I can prove I am not adopted!

I find that the older I get, the more I relate to my sister. I think we are bound to equal out at some point, I have spent years trying to catch up. As a little girl I just wanted to be her, and in some ways I think I have become her... she has just moved on again. Ahh, so I keep on running. I love our age difference, I didn't always, but I do now. She has insight that I cant see. She grew up in my family, in my house, with my parents. She has experienced the things I am going through and when I remember that... she is a big help.

I love my sister, and sometimes I forget to really tell her that. So Harmony, this blog is for you (because you requested I write!) I love you. I really do.

CHINA - through the eyes of one in which we cant see through

I was babysitting a girl named Tori Mae, she was adopted from China at 9 months and now almost 4 years is obsessed with her native land. This is the story she told to me:

"Don't tell my mom that when I am 4 I am going to China. It will take me 19 moths, 30 minutes, and 15 minutes to walk there.Then I will come right home. I will stay there 18 hours. I will cook dinner for who is hungry. I dont know how to cook, but I will when I am 4.

"I love [China] just so much. I changed my mind, I am going to live in China when I am 4. One month after I turn 4 I am going to adopt a baby. It will be from China. It will be a girl. Her name will be Alexis because I love that name. It will be a girl with no hair... actually it will be a girl with some hair.

"Babies come from China. If you want a baby, you have to go to China to get one. I am from China. My Dad brought me on an airplane and I went on the airplane and that is how I got home I was there a long time and i didnt want to stay there a long time.

"Do people in China need Jesus?" I asked?

"Yes. So, when they want Him, I will take him out of my life and put him in their lives, then when they all have Him, I will put him back into my life.

"Do you want to give people the Jesus in your life?"

"Yes. Then I am done."

Elevator talk

My dad and I were in an elevator this week. I was questioning why "elevator" and "awkwardness" seem to be antonyms for each other. Here we are people of the same culture and language but because we are stuck in a moving box for 16 seconds together suddenly our worlds clash and we stare awkwardly at the floor refusing to utter a sound. We listen to the easy music and count the floors go by hoping that more people do not get on and force us to squeeze closer than the 3 foot radius we already created. Well when we were in the elevator on this particular day a man came in with his dog and immediatly began talking to each person. He talked to his dog and himself and talked to talk in general. He got the two ladies laughing, he got my dad talking, he even got me to look at the other people that were standing next to me. The air didnt feel thick I didnt feel uncomftorable, I wondered why few enough have the courage to do what this man did. What is it about elevators that paralaze us? Why are we unable to brave the communication barriar? I dont know the answer, but I know that one mad did and it got me thinking.

Identity over Influence.

This week I was talking to my youth pastor, Chris Hinson, we were discusing my generation in general and how we relate and respond to things. I think somewhere we are both looking for a solution to a problem that will never be fixed, but we are out to save the world one small idea at a time. I told him that influence is one of the largest factors in our life on deciding who we become, that is why I want to work with kids and be a positive influence. That is why I think Mentors, like the one-on-one leader I had in Budapest (Lisa McKinney) are so important. They pour into our lives and believe in us when no one else does. But... what about people that dont have a Lisa? How will they make it? Well, God did create us to depend on others... but also to be independent. I wonder how I made it through so many years to where I am today without having a mentor of a sort, a constant pastor or older person... This is where Chris intrigued me...

"Heather, did you have a concept of your identity of Christ at an early age?"

After thinking about it, I decided that I did. I knew who I was and where I was going and why... even if I didnt really. I knew that I didnt need a boy friend, that there was more to this world than pleasure, I didnt have to try to be someone else cause I was comftorable just being me. So, if people can have an understanding of their identity in Christ, it doesnt matter what life throws at them, they will be secure and unchangeable. Mentors are important, friends full of encouragement are a necessity to our livs - but if we have those things and have no identity in Christ, we are nothing. So though I thrive to mentor others and to influence them... my influence will do nothing without their secure knowledge of their identity in Christ and role in the Kingdom of Heaven.

Just some thoughts.

Check the size of the cup

I always seem to be busy, even when I am not doing anything, I am busy with it. Right now I am busy because I am blogging, many would see this as a form of relaxation (which it is to me) or as a sign of laziness protraying another aspect of my lazy generation, I just look at it as another way of staying busy. i think this has something to do with perspective, something along the lines of "is the cup half full or half empty" type of a deal... well maybe we just need to look at a different sized cup. Its about your perspective towards life and time. I like to look at not just how full or empty the cup is.. but what its contents reveal. What is it full of? what is it lacking? I want to know what makes up the matter inside the cup.

I think so many people see empty cups, well maybe they need to focus their attention a little more, narrow down their vision and see a smaller, much fuller cup. or maybe your cup is full, but you dont know what to do from there - investigate the contents. Figure out what it is that makes it full, what keeps it from overflowing, or from drying out completely.

Gleaning at McDonalds

Yesterday I met a man named Bill Carpenter. He was old and had on a worn hat that was perfectly shaped to his head after probably decades of wear. None of his teeth were showing but his lips beamed forth a huge smile. I met him at McDonalds. The conversation started as he patted me on the back and said...

"Young Lady, are you reading the Good Book? Good for you."

And he sat down at a table opposite me. After ten minutes of silence, me in the Good Book and him with the daily Statesman Journal, he spoke again...

"You know, it really warms my heart to see a young person in the word."

I smiled at him and thanked him... he continued to speak. He told me of his life story, starting in the middle, working forward, then starting in the beginning. He non-chalantly mentioned his travels as a missionary throughout countries scattering the continent of South America and told me of his present day mission: to go into all the world and help the poor and needy.

"I dont go to church. I dont pay thythe to the church, but I give my life to Jesus. At one point in my life I was living off of 1/10 of my income and giving the other 9/10 to him, not because I was rich, but because it was his. I like the church, but God told me to go into all the world... and this is what i do."

I was throughly wrapped up in his story and felt like Jesus was speaking to me on an individual level, like he was sitting right in front of me. Bill went on to talk about the Harvest, a topic very hot on my conversation list.

"There are farmers, people who plant seeds. People who water the seeds. Then there are the harvesters, the people who pick the fruit. After the harvest is over there is a fourth group of people, gleaners. Gleaners pick up what the harvesters left behind. Well, God has called me to be a gleaner, to help pick up what has been left behind from past harvests."

I will admit to being stunned by his remark. I focus so much on "the harvest"... but who will glean? How encouraged I was by this converstion, the words spoken into my life. I was just a young girl killing time at a McDonalds and I decided to have church, to meet with God, well he decided to send someone along so that I would feel I was having church with Jesus. God knew exactly what I needed. And want to know the best part? Bill Carpenter is at McDonalds every morning and would love to talk with me and encourage me more.

Teaching Jonah to love Starbucks

Home, aghhh this is where I want to be. Last year I was discontented, I wanted to be far away from this stuffy place. The world of high class preps, large spenders and fakes. I wanted simplicity and calmness. I received my request - almost to my regret. I do not regret going away, actually quite the contrary - it affects me day in and day out, but I didnt receive the response I thought I wanted...

I thought that going away would make me hate my country more and love the unlovable. I thought I would have a renewed sense of missios and simplicity. But what I have found is that I love this place all the more than in the past. I do love the unlovable - but the ones that live here. I have a renewed sense of missions, of how we are not doing it here. I have simplicity, wraped up in my complex world... what I have learned is all the more what a funny guy God is.

Armenia, if you take a globe and stuck a penil striaght accross from Oregon, you would get Armenia. God had to take me to the absolute farthest place on earth (before coming back around the other direction) to show me that he wants me here. He is calling me to this place, the one country I wanted to run from. Just like Jonah, he ran from God, ran from the very and only locatio in which he was called . So God allowed him to go on a venture, on that would change his life, and when Jonah got there (wherever "there" was) He told Jonah that he wanted him to go to Ninivah. So while I was gone I found out that by Gods grace he let me follow my dream, he called me away for a season to plant me here for my life.

Yes, I still hate the stuffed up people, the expensive coffee drinks and complexity... But something in me LOVES IT HERE. I have talked to missionaries who say "I hate the way this country looks, i dont like that the people are mean, i miss home, i dont like the food... BUT I LOVE IT HERE" That is only by the grace of God. Not many people really want to live in Armenia, but the missionaries I met there... they did cause that is what they were called to. And when we are in the will of God, we will love what we ought ot hate. A good friend of mine Benjamin Zimmer once told me "You know what my favorite smell in all the world is? Homeless People. I just love the smell of homeless people. I know I shouldnt, but there is something in me that just wants to hug them so I can take a big wiff... because that is where I know I should be." Ben was in a place most of us would be uncomftorable with... but he was happy... actually he loved it because it was where God wanted him...

A few weeks back I was driving down the road, I had on new shoes, and nice clothes. My cellphone was on the dashboard, I had a full tank of gas and fast food on the floor and was on my way to the mall. I stopped at the red light and just looked at myself... And I smiled. I love it. And not because it is easy or comftorable or because I have lots of money (cause I dont) I love it because this is what I have always hated. I have a renewed sense of vision but something in me cries out love. I know it is God, becuase I am not here seeking after the "American Dream"... Yet I am living. I ask him every day to show me how to stay simple. How to humble myself and seek his face. How to find him... And I do! I see him everywhere I go. He meets me everywhere I go and I am happy cause I am in him, I am where he wants me to be. This may be the only location and culture I have never wanted to be a part of, but this is what he wants from me. I am not looking to conform to the patterns of this world. I am still me. I still love orphans and airports and new food. I enjoy living out of a suitcase and not having enough clothes to choose from. I love simplicity... but I am in love with home.