Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Our House




The story of how we got this house is crazy, and long. But lets just say that God is good and gives good gifts to his children.

We spent our finals week painting. Every night painting. I think I painted for like 50 hours. I was emotionally drained, trying to cope with leaving school, moving, taking finals, and becoming an adult. And then we moved. And then it was wonderful. I said that I would feel settled when three things happened : When I could sit on my porch, when my map was up, and when all my books were in one place. Well, the night before I left to come to Colorado, to spend this week with Katie, I finished the last on that list. And for all of you who pitched in on getting me the map, thank you!!

Refill that Local Roast Please


So, here I am in Colorado. At Marika's Coffeehouse, in Manitou Springs. Katie is at work, and I spent the day wandering alone. Now, that may not seem interesting to any of the rest of you, but it is amazing. Just what I wanted and needed. I went to the park, and crossed bridges, and sat the the library built in 1910 and read about the history of this area. I wore my Portland rain jacket and my Thailand purse and walked and walked. I talked to Harmony on the phone. I found my bank. I bought some loose leaf tea and herbs for my house. Then I found this coffee shop. I just have a knack for finding the perfect coffee shop where ever I go. It is especially fun to me when I do so after the people I know who live in these places tell me there is no local cool coffee shop ... there always is! (example : Boise, La Grande, Colorado:)



I brought Northanger Abbey with me today. It is the second Jane Austin I am attempting to read. I am never able to read her, because to read her one must appreciate her and her over usage of adjectives. My brain is almost always at too fast a pace to read each word, and I end up skimming and thus loosing 92% of what she is trying to say. I choose to read a book I do not know the story line to, I didn't even read the back. And let me just tell you, Catherine Morland is a most wonderful character, and my brain is at a slow enough pace to read every word.

According to google maps, I am 1,323 miles from my house on 84th st, to this coffee shop in Manitou springs. I could have found a shop like this at home, but there is something about being 1,323 miles away that makes it so much more glorious. Knowing that I will not run into anyone I know ... and yet still feeling overwhelmingly safe.

On the Airplane

It never gets old, this flying above the clouds thing. To be so far off the ground, watching all rehlms of famaliarity turning into specks as I watch. And then we break trusting forth through that thick fluffy white layer into a new world. A white carpeted, soft, tentle, continuing, similar world. The Mt peaks prick through, the suns light abounds. Am I in heaven here in this place? Or perhaps nearer to it?

I wonder on the first person to have traveled through this stratesphere. Was their thrill the same as mine? What sort of wandering astonishment penetrated their thoughts so void of factual understanding?

How marvelous our God to create such a world. For thousands of years this fluffy world sat. Unseen. Untouched. And during those thousands of years, this world sung to the glory of God. Nothing the Lord creates goes un appreciated. Just like the wildflowers in the meadow on a Mt top, never seen by human eyes. They bloom for only a few days, and wilt. Even those wildflowers were appreciated by their creator. In all their intricate splendor, the Lord made and enjoyed them for HIS GLORY!

How much more of this world is yet to be discovered? I rest knowing that it does not need to be discovered by mine eyes, but that all things there belonging to the Creator are enjoyed.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Stop Freaking

“I didn’t ask you to become new and improved today. That was not the goal. You were broken down and strange yesterday, and you still are today, and the only one freaked out about it is you.”

This is from a book, called Cool Tangerine (I think?) That Lauren gave to Sarah. Anyways, she was comparing life to that of an old house, how there are always things to fix. As I move into an old house, and find things every hour that need fixed, I see the parallel to my life. So many things need fixed. This is the quote written on my mirror this week.

Pretending No More

I’m sick of pretending, and convincing, and pretending some more.
I’m so good at it that I convince myself.
Well, I’m sick of pretending to be an adult and everyone assuming I am.
I present myself as so secure and confidant. But on the inside, I am not.

I am a risk taker, I thrive on instant decisions, and convince people through pretending to have it all together.
I convince people that I am confidant.
And that usually convinces me as well.
I don’t feel very confidant.
I feel scared. And insecure.

I am a little girl trapped in this woman’s body, but I can’t escape it.
There are these expectations that I live up to what I appear, so I do.
Continually.
And I just want one day off.

One day where I can blurt out my little girl feelings.
One day where I can trust someone else to make decisions, and totally relinquish control, and have someone else lead.
One day where I can stop being needed.
And I can need others.

But I know that this day will not come.
I know that I must be secure and confidant.
Just as I present.
I must become what I have pretended to be,
But not just pretend to be it,
I must really be it.

I am,
No longer this little girl.


(this was written on Sunday, I already feel dififerent, but I decided that I liked this still and wanted it posted.)

Thursday, May 5, 2011

On Being an Adult

You know when you are 10 and you are allowed to stay home alone for the first time?? And you feel like you are an adult? And you pretend that the house you are in is all yours?
Then the Parents come back.
You know when you are like 15 and you stay home over night for the first time? And you feel like you like you are an adult? And you pretend that the house you are in is all yours?
Then the adults come back.
You know when you are 18 and you travel across the world, alone, for the first time? And you feel like you are an adult? And you pretend the life you are living is your adult life?
Then you go home and find you are not the adult you thought you were.
You know when you are 21 and you can do things for the first time? And you feel like your an adult? And you pretend that you are an adult. Then, you look at yourself and realize your not as cool as you make yourself out to be.
And you wait for the adults to come back, and you see that your suppose to be that adult.
And you know when you are 22, and you feel like your suppose to be this adult? Because 22 is really old. And for the first time, you realize that the adults are not coming back. That the game is not going to end. That you are the adult.

I was laying in bed the other night. Laughing to myself. Laughing about this game I am playing, where I pretend to be an adult. You know, like when your 5 and you tell someone your 12, and they "believe you." You know they dont really believe you... but it seems like they do, so you hold onto that glimmer of maybe and laugh about it. Well, I was laughing about this game of me pretending to be an adult, and how long its worked! I mean, I convinced someone to rent me a stinkin house! But, what happens when she finds out that I am not an ad--- .... Oh See Thats when it hit me. I am the adult. I'm not playing a game anymore. I convinced her, because I am that adult! I am convincable because I am who I am! And I am still kind of giddy about that.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

ipodless transportation

I walked down 82nd St. The street where the prostitutes are. Where sex trafficing takes place. Where shootings happen. The street that is as famaliar as the cold-e-sac I grew up on. I thought about how a priority before next fall will be the purchase of an ipod, because after all if I am going to be spending that much time on buses, I want to drown people out and listen to something. Right? I don't know. I have gotten use to life with out one. From that day whe my ipod was stolen in S. Korea. I have to say, I remember much more of the trip without my ipod, becuase I was able to focus on where I was and listen to the sounds around me, and to my thoughts.

I was on the bus today, trying to fill out some Geology packets, watching the druggie lady who really needed a fix, and listen to a conversation in the back of the bus. Andre was telling another young woman about his church, New Directions (which reminded me of Glee, and I got slightly distracted and missed part of the conversation.) She said she had heard of it, and that her friend volunteered there, but they didn't go to church. He told her about how great it was, and that she should come visit. And she said she would. She would go to that church and ask for Andre.

Then Angela got on board. She was a beautiful woman, about my moms age. The bus driver commented on her shoes and how brave she was to walk in her three inch heels. She explained that she had worn those high of shoes for 50 years and why stop now? It was her Sunday best and she was coming from church with her two grandchildren. Andre came to the front and started talking to Angela. He asked her if she were coming from church. She was. He told her about how he needs to go back to church, its been two weeks and that is not good. "Oh thats not good at all!" Angela chimed in, she explained to that honey that he needed to be at church for his well being. And he agreed with his head hung. She told him he neeeded Jesus. He knew. She told him of her church, Immanuel Luthern, and how he should come visit. He said he would. He would go to that church and ask for Angela.

As he depared from the bus, she yelled after him that Jesus loved him. Then she sat there, holding onto her two grandchildren and she prayed for that man. She prayed out loud. She prayed fervently. She prayed with emotion. I wanted to talk to her, I think I should have, but I did not. I didn't know what to say. I wanted her to know that she inspired me. That she was a witness with her life and I could tell it just oozed out of her. What a priviledge for those two kids to spend time with such an amzaing woman. I praised the Lord that there are still good people in this world, and that they are in Portland sharing the gospel.

Last Sunday, it was Easter, and a woman was riding the bus, and standing there as each person got on, reminding them that it was Easter and that our Lord was risen!

Then on the way home, on the max. There was a young mom and her 18 month old son. He was in a stroller and very antsy. They had had a long day, and she was exhausted and needed some help, and a break. He kept trying to get out, and with each wiggle he would irritatingly interupt her precious day dreams that took her away from the dull reality she found herself in. She finally broke and ripped the object from his hands that he had disobediently taken from under the stroller. He cried and them screamed "I HATE YOU." I hardly beileved I heard right. I had to look, and he said it again. Barely understandable because of his young age, but that was most certainly what he said. He said it 29 times inbetween Lloyd center and 60th St. 29 times the toddelr told his mother that he hated her. She just told him to stop, then looked back out the window and ignored him. --- Where on earth did he learn to say that? Why was she taking it? Where was the grandmother Angela?

I prayed for that woman. I was reminded that there are Christians in Portland, and that they are ministering, but there are more, like this young mom, who need to hear.

Me

Portland, Oregon, United States