I’m sick of pretending, and convincing, and pretending some more.
I’m so good at it that I convince myself.
Well, I’m sick of pretending to be an adult and everyone assuming I am.
I present myself as so secure and confidant. But on the inside, I am not.
I am a risk taker, I thrive on instant decisions, and convince people through pretending to have it all together.
I convince people that I am confidant.
And that usually convinces me as well.
I don’t feel very confidant.
I feel scared. And insecure.
I am a little girl trapped in this woman’s body, but I can’t escape it.
There are these expectations that I live up to what I appear, so I do.
Continually.
And I just want one day off.
One day where I can blurt out my little girl feelings.
One day where I can trust someone else to make decisions, and totally relinquish control, and have someone else lead.
One day where I can stop being needed.
And I can need others.
But I know that this day will not come.
I know that I must be secure and confidant.
Just as I present.
I must become what I have pretended to be,
But not just pretend to be it,
I must really be it.
I am,
No longer this little girl.
(this was written on Sunday, I already feel dififerent, but I decided that I liked this still and wanted it posted.)
2 comments:
I like these posts you write on being an adult. I feel like I can relate because I graduate in 32 days and then I have to make all of these adult decisions and grow up. Growing up can be scary. You're not alone!
In the context of an intimate relationship, I've found the need to put down my "leader" hat, stop insisting on being in charge and independent, admit that I want help and luxuriate in allowing someone else to really care for me despite the fact that I don't "need" it, and having been caring for myself for years. Despite how difficult it is to lay down those I-can-do-it defenses, I've found that this kind of care and intimacy is what I've been looking for all along. You will find a place where you don't always have to be the strong one, but you're doing a good job being an adult. I'm proud of you. :)
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