#21

I was reading over my Bucket List from my birthday last year and realized I never posted this one!

In August Heather and I took Lauren to McMinimis Edgefield for her 21st Birthday. Edgefield is an old poor farm turned Winery. It was a glorious breezy day. We all looked cute. We choose to eat lunch in the main building. We were waiting for a table, when Lauren giggled and pointed at the bar and said "we could eat in there!" So we did.

Then we went down into a cellar for some wine tasting. It was like $5 for a couple different types, so we all got different ones and ended up trying like 12 different ones. I discovered that I do not like red wine. Heather does. I prefer a chilled white wine, even though I still only kinda liked a couple of them, it was really fun.

There was a wedding going on there that day too and it was great to see everybody walking around in their outfits. So many people, enjoying life and each other. I felt privileged that I got to spend that day with those two girls.

Moment

" Live for the moment, but not at the expense of the future." -Unknown.

(Taken from the Journal Justine gave me where she randomly wrote quotes down.)

How fitting this quote was. If you have talked to me lately, you have probably heard me discuss this. School starts for me in 16 days... AHHH! My excitement level? Off the charts. I am so excited for the future, but not at the expense of my present. My entire life I have looked up, looked forward, looked out ... never looked down or in the mirror or in a circle. Gazing out the window in Mr. Bentleys Class... dreaming. Driving in a bumpy van toward Mt. Ararat ... dreaming. Working at Outback ... dreaming. I missed so much. I missed many of Mr. Bentleys wonderful words. I missed the beauty of drives and of so much of Europe. I missed the broken co-workers that were silently screaming at me ... because I was dreaming.

I dream now... but I am so fully aware of my present. What am I doing today? What can I learn from God today? The people I am with. The silent screams. The beauty. The wise words. The silence and joy and freedom. I am living very much in the moment, but it is not at an expense to my future. They are hand in hand. Who and what I am today, is making me into what I need for two weeks from now. I need them both, I focus on them equally. Heather always tells me "Moderation. Everything in Moderation." Your right Heather. Your right.

The Best Present Ever Received.

I've collected thimble for the past 12 years. I started collecting when I was in the 3rd Grade. My teacher Mrs. Owens collected spoons, and as I began looking for spoons to fulfill her collection, I happened upon thimbles. Around the time of discovering them, I met someone else who collected them ... I just don't remember who that was. Well, after some sort of deliberation, I announced to my parents that I was going to begin collecting. I am sure they had a most positive response while thinking to themselves "OK, but this wont last." Oh but you were wrong!

Although I don't remember my first thimble I remember one of the first. My brothers friend Ryan Welty purchased me one on his high school band trip to Germany. It had a picture of a castle on it and instead of the boring white porcelain that normally encumbrances the fingertips sized cup, it was metal and covered with vines - and gorgeous! I knew then that I had to keep up my collection.

Well, I accumulated a lot of these. More friends would gather them during trips, I eventually filled up a thimble case, then another. It was at this point that I received the best gift I think I have ever received. Over a year ago I was antique shopping with Heather as we love to do and I found this old letter type drawer, I told Heather it would make the coolest thimble case!
Well, as best friends do, she remembered the really important random comment I threw out. This Christmas, Heather, her dad (and well, her whole family) worked on converting an antique type letter drawer into a full pledged thimble case for me! It looks exactly like this, except plexi-glass and hooks were added...

Tonight Heather was wonderful and patient and loving as I sat and updated the little slips of paper inside each thimble of the time and place where each was bought. She acted as if she really cared when I told her stories and prices and useless information. She even allowed me to dump all the thimbles out of the case after I was nearing the end (also note that it was her idea in the first place that I rejected) and let me re-organize them according to location.

Well, I have the most awesome thimble case in the entire world and it looks amazing in my non-bedroom. If I ever need another case... I know where to look. Oh, and did I tell you I counted them? 201 thimbles. That's a lot... how many will I have when I die... what does one do with a random collection of such monstrous size upon someones death? I think I need to stop this blog.

My Birthday!

So, Yesterday was my birthday. It was one of the greatest days ever.

My cousin Amanda come down and spend the night with me the night before. I was so happy to see her! At 5:30 am, Abbey texted me and I was so excited that I just kept texting her till good after 6. Then I fell back asleep. At 7:11 Heather and Lauren and my Mom came prancing into my room singing "its your birthday, your 20, its your perfect day outside, its raining, its your birthday!" And they were throwing balloons - at Amanda. I had to sit up so they would see which lump in the bed I was. So then we exited the room seeing that Amanda had covered her head with blankets.

Lauren brought me 2 coffees from Starbucks, see bought me 1 but brought me 2. I was happy for coffee seeing I had had less that 5 hours sleep. Then Sharell showed up late and complained that Heather and Lauren did not inform her well enough of the mornings events. HA! So I sat around with them until they had to go to school.

I took work off for the whole day and was pretty excited. My Dad wanted to take me to breakfast but I wasn't feeling much for food seeing I had had Applebees the night before, 2 coffees for breakfast and was in the middle of trying to make a cheesecake. You can still take me out to breakfast Daddy!

Amanda woke up and told me she "hated" my friends for waking her so loudly so early in the morning, ah its all good Amanda.

Her and I got in the car, went to Starbucks (she got me a breakfast sandwich I was not about to have anymore coffee) And we made our way to the beach. I am always amazed at how short a trip it is . So just over an hour later, we arrived and made our way all through the outlet mall, taking stupid videos the whole time. ( I am working on putting all those videos together to put on here. Then I had Mo's for lunch. Yum! Clam chowder and Mashed potatoes (and enchiladas for dinner!) We touched the beach, but it was really cold, then we drove home

At home I started to try and finish my cheesecake, but it ended up a total disaster, it didn't cook all the way and the oven got turned off at some point during the cooking and ya, it was bad... but I will make it again. The the girls came over, Kirsten was my present. :) I put a bow on her. Oh and Amanda made Aaron come too. Always the guy with all the girls, but I miss him. Then Sharells car got Saran wrapped and they started to do the van but someone went outside and they went away. We think they were guys from school who knew where Sharell was... obviously high school guys who still think I drive my moms mini-van. Which I don't. (See blog about car. Which by the way, I did buy... I will pay it off in a few weeks!)

I talked to my sister on the phone. And mommy potter left me a great message on my phone. And Hallie, Esther and Zoe called me through skype and Zoe sang me the happy birthday song and ABC's (mixed which Chinese things) like 3 times! And I talked to my Grammy for 41 seconds and it made me super happy!

Hmmm it was happy. My mom absolutely loved having people over, and giving Aaron food, and listening to us all laugh from the other room. I got a super amazing orange chair, I think I am going to take the cushion back and get a green one though, it is much more practical... but for today I will enjoy the orange.

Thank you Jesus for days where we feel blessed, for days when you shower us with your goodness. I was amazed by your glory yesterday, the rain, the sun, the rainbow, the friends, the food, the happy feeling inside. I know that every day can be like the when I am with you, but thank you for making yesterday especially great.

Jonathan

Jonathan was at College Group tonight, he is there about once a month. I spent the early years at peoples church with him in my sunday school class, I think my mom watched his sister. he was always weird. and now he is tall, and kinda stinky.

He came to Dennys tonight, he likes to come to Dennys. I think he likes feeling included. We like having people along! He told me that his mom kicked him out of his house cuase they fight too much. " Do you think you do?" " Ya" was his guilty reply.

"So Now I am living downtown. With my friends, you know. We slept under the bridge last night, I didnt sleep very well... We have to get to the Mission before they close... they close too early. Jeff invited me to sleep at his house tonight, but him and his wife go to sleep at 10, we wont be done at Dennys by 10, besides I have to leave when they get up at 6, I hate waking up at 6... I think I will just go back downtown. I might be going to Vancover this week, I might have job, I just need 1200 dollars, then I will go to Australia."

He came to Dennys, nobody new anything, they just thought he was, ya know, Jonathan. They didnt know that my $4.60 was buying him and I both dinner. They didnt know that the back back he had pushed under his feet was all he owned. They didnt know that he stinks becuase he hasnt been able to get to a shower. They didnt know.

I offered to take him to Jeffs, but he decided not too, it was too late. He said he had a friend nearby who would let him in and he opted to walk anyway. He's only like 17. I had never seen him so hopeless. He has gone to Peoples church for as long as I could ever remember, and now he is on the street and he is still making an effort to go, despite the jeering from his street friends. I decided something else. Homelessness is awkward, kinda like death... because it is just not suppose to be. It's one of those things that we want to fix, and cant. I didnt have any cash on me to give Jonathan. I didnt have a place to offer him to stay. I had nothing to give him except the hope of running into him again next week, assuming he can get there. I have no way to contact him... unless I go looking under the bridge.

I also have been keeping my eye out for Ron, he is the homeless guy whose corner is by the gas station on portland road. I saw him once at New Harvest Church. I think I liked the church just becuase there was a homeless guy there, well actually there was two, and another church member was sitting by them. I liked that. It reminded me of the song by Todd Agnew, My Jesus

Cause my Jesus would never be accepted in my church

The blood and dirt on His feet might stain the carpet

He was accepted in that church. I see Ron on his corner when ever I go by, and I pray for him. I know his name is Ron cause I gave him my lunch a few weeks ago, and he smiled, and I shook his hand, and we exchanged names.

I like the homeless ministry that Salem Alliance Church does, how they feed them every week. How it is not a job they have to do, but something they love to do. After serving one week, Heather said to me "I like how the people working there know the homeless people by name." I thought that was pretty cool too. They are treated like people. They are people.

Jesus said "Blessed are the poor for they will inherit the earth." I wonder what that means... to inherit the earth. Other translations say "the kingdom of heaven is theirs." I guess it is this humbleness that comes from poverty. Its the vulnerability and rawness that fully encompasses a person who has, of worldly standards, little worth. The kingdom of heaven is ours for the grasping - how much easier for those who have little to see the riches our Father has for them, not all accept... but maybe we should be a little more like Ron, and Jonathan, and the guy feeding the birds.

I guess... I decided I like homeless people. I dont know why, most of them are depressed, and I really dont like depressed people, but... at least they are raw. They have nothing left to hide. Maybe their vulnerability is forced, but they are vulnerable. I like that.

Death is awkward.

I went to a funeral this week. I don't remember ever being to a funeral before. I think I might have been at my grandmas, but the only thing I remember about that day was riding in the limo with my Grandpa. I also think I was at my Uncle Charlies funeral a few years ago, I was so sick that weekend that I mentally wasn't there enough to remember it. I think I will remember this one for a long time.

Victor Hoffer died a week ago Friday in a car crash. Him and his new bride (only six weeks married) were on his way to his families house when he hit a slick part of the road and crashed into another car. I have only met Victor a few times. He was the much older brother of one of my once closest friends, Paul. When Heather told me what happened... I was shocked, I mean stuff like this happens to other people right? He was 31 and full of life.

I went to the funeral out of respect for Paul, for the family. I was amazed at how many other people did the same.... so many young people from school, students that may have never met Victor before - but were there for respect of the family that has been so involved in all of our lives. It really was a celebration of life, a life lived to the fullest. We sang hymns about heaven and of our glorious Lord, and heard how God hears the tears of those who weep.

It was when Paul spoke that I really listened up. He stood from his chair, slowly and gently letting go his grasp of both his parents hands. He raised the mic and said these short words....
"At my High school Graduation I spoke on living life to the fullest - Victors life was just that..." I was in that graduation, I was one of the students he spoke to, and I was here to hear part two of that speech, neither of which he probably wanted to give. His speech is complete now in my mind and cemented with a visual that surpasses all else. What he was talking about was real - and achievable.

After the ceremony, and the funeral procession, we returned to the church for "refreshments." We walked through the door and Kirsten gave Lynell (Paul and Victors mom) a hug and said to her "How are you?" she just kinda shrugged and smiled. We walked on and Kirsten shook her head and looked at me.... "that was a stupid thing to say. I cant believe I just asked her how she was. That was really awkward." Heather Kirsten and I stood around not knowing what else to do. It was awkward. We wanted to talk to Paul, we had nothing to say, nothing that wouldn't be awkward. We haven't talked in like a year anyway. We didn't say anything... I guess either way, it was awkward.

Later as I was thinking about it I decided that death is awkward. It is suppose to be awkward. Although it is a part of life and we all experience it and can expect it - it will always be awkward. God didn't create the world to have death, and anything apart from God is awkward because his presence is absent. So I decided that it is OK for death to be awkward, and there is nothing much we can do to make it less so... because God is life. So in that respect, I will celebrate life.

More Leaves

You remember that silly man that wanted to take my leaves away? Gosh, no way. I RAKE mine. With Heather. :)

Vulnerability

A few weeks ago I started going to a small group at Salem Alliance, its been realy amazing.

It is the first group that feels simply real. Real to the core. Its not showy or clicky or even churchy. It just is. The couple that are leading it are really in love with Jesus. Matt and Susan have stories that I cant wait to unfold! They are simply seeking life as are we. They spent 13 years preparing to be missionaries in France with there 3 girls but find themselves in Salem, where he grew up, leading a college small group. They are just seeking.

For 4 weeks we have been discusing Gods Will. My life perspective is changing. First off I love this group because it gets me to think deep, but that good kind of deep thinking, the healthy kind. And I loved that the first week he asked a question I didnt know the answer to! I got so excited! What a weirdo right? It means there is room to grow! Not knowing the answer means that an answer needs to be found! It means that study is involved and my brain just jumped on board!

I like that real questions are asked. Its like sensative subjects almost force chosen vulnerability. I love talking about things, but am not always the best at figuring out how to start it. I walked in today and Susan asked Heather and I where we were going to chuch, we said we were kinda looking. Rather than giving the expeced response of "oh" (that "oh" followed by an interesting facial expression that implys more than the listener really intended to imply) she asked "So what have you noticed at these churches? What is the same with them?" I was really taken back because the question was so unexpected, she really cared and was interested. I talked about how worship was the same at most places. The worship teams were good, the song choices were good - but the response from the audiance was quite ususally bland. Anyways, her simple question got 6 of us talking about worship for like 30 minutes. Then when Matt came in he asked 2 more questions : (1) If you could do one thing in life what would it be and, (2) what is the worst mistake you have ever made. It was just cool, cause he expected answers. So people answered. And when the day was started with vulnerability, we were able to carry that into our days conversation, that vulnerability. Its good.

SYATP - part 3

Ok so after the day I went to coffee with my group of friends and it was jus really nice. We were sitting around sipping chai and hot chocolate and discusing the falling maturity of our generation. Things dont apply to us anymore because we are beyond them. We are further than the youth pastors expect us to be, we are at a deeper level then everybody else...

But we concluded that we are not necessarily stronger than the other students, we are merely where we should be and they are far behind eating from the hands of bottle feeding pastors. That sounds so terribly dis-respectful from my side, and I dont necessarily intend it to be, but we reached a sad reality that so few are where they should be with God. I mean, my group of 7, we are striving after God and are much deeper than so many others - but we have so far to go to be where we need to be.... how far away does that make everyone else?

I was really shown the importance of equal leveled fellowship, our souls thrive for it. Even though some of the party were ready to head home for the night... we stayed and talked of Gods goodness... because he is good. We shared of things he is teaching us and training us and of where we need to be. It was just nice because it doesnt happen as often as it should.

I am...

About two years ago Heather Potter wrote about the ABC’s of my name choosing one word that describes me for each letter of the alphabet. Today I finally took the time to look up the meanings to some of the words. So out of the words she wrote about me then, I am today writing the description of me from them.

I am… capable of being heard, joyous, merry, and gay in disposition, glad,

cheerful, vigorously active and forceful, full of and characterized by enthusiasm.

I am true to my word, steady in allegiance, loyal, constant,

reliable, trustworthy, excessively talkative in a rambling, enormously

strong, courageous, independent and creative in thought and action.

I am a person who is given to witticisms, jokes, and pranks,

a demonstrator of sympathy and kindness, a radiating and reflecting light,

sweet-sounding, plain and simple; not fancy, or complicated.

I am willing to obey, a peculiarity of behavior; an idiosyncrasy,
splendid and dazzling in appearance, brilliant, glorious,

prosperous, and flourishing, generous in spirit, able to be tickled.

I am undismayed; not discouraged, an undertaker of risky and dangerous

activities, given to whimsy or fanciful notions, and ludicrously and whimsically comical.

Concerts

i normally hate concerts. i dont know what it is about them, but i just get non-interested once i show up. i dont like "getting into it" or whatever. i normally get sidetracked in my thoughts and think or something and am blammed for being a party pooper.

tonight i went to a Jars of Clay concert, cause it was free. i didnt really want to go just cause i know i hate concerts, but i tried to have a really optimistic attitude, besides i went with like my three best friends: Heather Potter, Kirsten Wicks and Lauren Barker.

i had fun tonight. i choose to sing the songs i know and not have a bad attitude. it is cool to hear music live, but i didnt really catch any of their lyrics. i really just like to people watch.

there is something about concerts that makes people want to dance. maybe that is there only time that they get their jiggles out, because some people sure do jig. an older couple there were line dancing, to a song that deffinatly had no line rythm. a hippish woman was dancing, twirling her arms and letting her feet sway back and forth. she was freen and beaming ear to ear. kids were spinning and jumping and shouting... it was like chains were breaking lose. i dont know if they were christians, or if they were dancing out of worship or entertainment... but i do know that music creates a natural, physical desire to dance.

so despite the badly dressed mid-aged dancers, and the high pitched screaming jr. high girls... despite all the things i hate about concerts, i loved that tonight it was just a big party, families dancing. to me, that was cool.

Love

Last night I was talking with my best friend Heather Potter about love. Such a deep subject. What is it? When I first hear the word the pages of my bible opening to 1 Corinthians 13 automatically jump into my mind. "Love is patient, love is kind. Love is never jealous or boast for or proud or rude..." But this verst just demonstrates how to love. And what love is not. I think there are so many levels of love.

I grew up with the understanding that we are to love all people as Christ loved all. We are to love beyond judments and differences. I do. I find it very easy to love at a moments notice. At first I thought love is what you do for someone... I would do anything for anyone at a moments notice though, like seriously. That is who I am, that is the mindset that has been poured into me from my parents and my church. I am to love. This kind of love seems so simple, so natural.

There is deeper love. There are those that I love in a different area of my heart, those that I would without question I would take a bullet for. This kind of love draws me closer to the love that the father wants. This love can not be extended to every person, we dont have enough strength to give it to all. God blesses us with some to love deeper.

Then there is the love between a man and woman, a husband a wife. This kind of love is the closest love that a person can experience outside of that with the father. This love prepares us for a deeper relationship with the father. It is reserved and secret and strong.

But above all loves, is the love I have for my father, the one who created the world in which I live. With him is a love so deep that not even the most outrageous rebelious act could seperate us from it. He is love and in return gives it and receives it.

When I say "I love you" I mean it... but I think that depending on the relationship those words can be stronger. To a total stranger, a homeless person... I love them, they may be surprised, but I love them. And when I am alone in my room and I tell my maker I love him... It is the same love... but deeper, more intimate. Loving that homeless person is loving him.