Dripping Confidence, Gentle Wisper

I sit in a place full of wondering, question awe. My confidence is dripping with fear and my high shoulders sag from invisable weight. A season, a transitional period in which I am to decide the direction of my life. It is this place, somewhere between spring and summer, between forward and backward, this somewhere just between. I wait with urgent patience as I hold a pestimistic attitude towards optimism. I guess I just want answers given to me, I want to just hear his voice and move forward. But this time that just is not the case. I seek and seek and find myself still seeeking.

I dont always want all the answers, but one would be nice. I dont want to re-learn lessons I have already learned, I want to learn from them and move on... not go through them in repetition. The Israelites learned the same lessons over and over and over, well they never really learned. I want to go through something, learn it, and move on. I know not to worry about money. I know. I know not to stress about decisions, yet I do. I know better than to get caught up with my life, but sometimes it happens.

I want to kick my legs and pump this swing higher and higher, even if i risk fliping 'round the bar. That is what I want, but I find myself dangled legged and rocking gently in the wind. It's like I am trying so hard to find an earthquake that I will almost create one.

"...And as Elijah stood there, the LORD passed by and a mighty windstorm hit the mountain. It was such a terrible blast that the rocks were torn loose, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake there was a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire there was the sound of a gentle wisper..." (1 Kings 19:11-12)

How easy it is to get caught up in questioning situations. How much my mind desires an informational download, or my face a good slap. I desire so much that it is complexity to see the simple. He is a gentle wisper, and everything else I put above that will drown him out.