The world through my eyes

NEW BLOG

2011-10-13T22:28:00.001-07:00

I have moved. Please follow me on my new blog :

http://pdxmyway.blogspot.com/

All is right in my world.

2011-10-01T20:35:00.001-07:00

All is right in my world. Perhaps its small, and the accomplishments few, but today, all is right in my world. I am listening to the musical pianist piece that Holly has wanted for years to be played as she walked down the aisle. We have 18 candles lit, and no other lights. Except for the porch light, which for the first time ever is deciding to be more than a motion sensor. I am wearing spandex and socks. To my right is my big map, the one where I can see the world, and so many memories and future ideas flood my thoughts. I just finished reading an email from my dear friend Sarah who is in India, following her heart and her Lord. I just spent the whole day with my parents. At Costco. Showing them my new school. Just being in Portland. Every time I am with them, I realize how well they know me, they know how to react and respond in ways that I only wish my friends were able to. I am blessed. So, so so blessed. And with the cup of tea I am about to grab, I will say again, All is right in my world.

Sunday

2011-09-07T22:56:00.000-07:00

My Grammy died. She just turned 86.

The last time I saw her, it was Sunday. We were having a birthday party for her. She was really tired. She kept telling me she didn't know why she felt the way she did. But, oh Heather, you look so good! Look at how tan you are, how summery you look. What are you up to? What did you do today? Where are you going when you leave? And what are you up to? She kept asking. I think she just wanted me to talk, to talk about anything. So she would not have to. So she could focus on breathing. Breathing was really hard for her, on Sunday.

She let me sit and hold her hand. It was so small in mine. Mine once fit securely in hers, and now mine was a wall caging a scared animal. I told her she could rest, if I could just sit and hold her hand. Her left hand, the one with the crooked pointer finger, it gripped mine. Her right hand shook. Her eye lids fluttered. Her beautiful eyelids. I have never seen anything more beautiful than my Grammy. I have always adored her skin, the wrinkles, the lines, the smell of lotion. And I checked, her woman hair was still there on the back of her neck, on Sunday.

I went to kiss her goodbye. She said next time I saw her, she would be feeling better.
"Oh, and honey, I love you so much."

I love you too Grammy. And I know the next time I see you, you will be feeling much better.

Girls of our house

2011-06-28T00:23:00.001-07:00

So I live in this house. And its amazing ... the house that is. And if you have talked to me recently, you have probably heard me talk all about it, like its my baby. Like I own it.

No, I am just renting, and its not mine, I am renting it with 8 other girls, though only 6 of us live in it at a time.

I've been so caught up in everything house, that I have lacked to notice anything else. Since spring, I just dreamed and plotted towards the planting of my roots in this house. And it is a physical, material place and thing. And then we got it, but in my head, I got it. It was like I won some super loto jackpot. I did win, I won the opportunity to live somewhere, with some amazing women.

I, somehow in my ventures and descriptions and time consuming projects, honestly failed to share about the women I live with and how honored I am to call them house mates. I have been so pre-occupied with painting and decorating and cleaning mostly, that I let the relationships only one door away slip.

Life will go on if the kitchen is not wiped down. Holly reminded me tonight that I will be doing this, the house cleaning keeping thing, for the rest of my life. This is the time that I need to enjoy not being married, and that its ok to have a messy house sometimes. (Though I struggle to accept that is ok to have a whole messy house... I get the concept:) She is right. She told me that people would rather be with me than to have things put away.

I forget that. I want so terribly to make it nice, for it to be good. I want to be good. I want to be good enough, and maybe if I clean and keep house good enough, I will be good enough. But, I know that I am good enough already, hence the fact I have such amazing friends. And, this really isn't about me. This is about this house of Women, that that we get to share life together. It really is a privilege.

When I am in love with Jesus

2011-06-28T00:06:00.001-07:00

When I am in love with Jesus. My world is just right. But I needed reminded daily.

This is the question I keep coming back to. The Holy Spirit prompts me like 20 times a day with " Right now, today, are you in love with me?"

I can't stop thinking about it. No matter how much planning I do, or organizing, I can't seem to straighten anything out in my life. No 3 step, or 10 step programs work. And when I try to find the "core" issue, I don't find it. And when I think I am crazy, and I blow everything out of proportion, I am urged again to think about whether or not I am simply in love with Jesus.

When I am in love with Jesus, everything else falls into place. Dizzy lines are straightened. The 39 step plans pan our perfectly, without having to follow any of my steps. The core issue is discovered. When I am in love with Jesus, I realize that I am not crazy, and that the very things I blow into big deals, are really not that important after all. When I am in love with Jesus.

In John 21, Jesus asks Peter three times, "Do you love me." Yes is is his frustrated response each time. Its the name of my blog, Heather Anne (that's me) Loves Jesus. Yes, I love him. But am I, in love WITH Him, today ... right now?

So often my answer is no. No, I am not being in love with Him right now. John 14:21 says that if we love Him we will follow His commandments. And 1 Corinthians tells me that love does not demand its own way. How often do I demand my own way? Away from him. Away from loving Him?

When I am in love with Jesus, I need nothing else. I know love, because He is love. And I want to love the one who is Love. Right now, Today.

Summer Rain.

2011-06-27T23:51:00.001-07:00

Oregon Summer rain is my most favorite smell in the world. Well, right next to pure almond extract. I just crawled into bed, and I heard the light plops, I rushed downstairs and onto the porch and breathed as deep as my lungs would allow, and then a little deeper.
Holly says its an oxy moron, to like Oregon summer rain, or to think its special or something. But whatever, it is what it is and I love it. Besides, its not the rain that I love (well, I do love it, but thats not what this post is about) Its about the fact that it is summer, and it is raining while its warm. And it just has this smell. Its thick, and heavy, and grass like, and wet. Wet, a terrible description I know, but it is. Its like when my nose breathes in, my nose hairs get wet in a thick damp way. Perhaps this is not of the most lovely of descriptions, but it just is. Its different than regular rain.
When I was really little, Daddy would wake me up sometimes on those summer rainy nights, so I could go outside and smell it. And I would run into the street and dance around in it. And smell. So I went outside, and I spread my arms wide, and breathed in that thick, cloudy, oregon, wet, rainy air.

High School

2011-06-27T08:07:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about high school lately. How when you are in it, you think you are on top of the world. You are involved in so many activities that it makes toddlers look lazy. And how these activities that you are involved in, they are the most important thing you have ever done. That soccer game you won, it was like winning a gold medal at the Olympics, things are proportioned to be just that important! And they are. At least to you, and your friends, and your parents.

As high schoolers we get this sense that we can be or do anything we want to do. Being pushed to succeed and think upon our futures and grow up. But we don't really have to grow up too fast. We get the responsibilities of doing cool things, while not having to pay for gas or outings or late nights at Sharies, because we are too busy with our events to work. (Not that you can really find a job when you are 15 anyway...)

One of my friends from high school just re-entered my life. So it has me thinking on a lot of this stuff. The emotions from five years ago, my attitudes and views and opinions. I've found that in many ways I have not changed near as much as I thought I had. You change to form the new environment you find yourself in. But once placed back in the old environment, the old you comes back out. But rather than retracting, which I thought was happening, I am a more full person because of this. I am able to embrace my current environment, with past thoughts. And it is fulfilling.

But I was thinking about how full your future feels when your 17, how of all the things were involved in, we really think we can succeed in any of those areas. That we can make a living doing the arts or sports. We love the praise and admiration we receive, and of course that spawns us towards the career we try to pick. And then college comes.

I guess some people in college do what they set out to do. But not many. Because in the act of trying to find ourselves in high school, what we really find is all the things that we can be semi-good at. And of course we want to do those things, because its nice to feel that you are the best at something. (even if you come from a high school of 40 kids, being the best still means something:) I mean, I really wanted to do year book the rest of my life. It was so fun! It doesn't make sense now. No body looks at their yearbooks after the signing day. Yearbooks don't happen in college, or work or families or really the rest of life. But it was a good idea, because I was good at it!

"High school, High school, could be, could be, a mini me, of the rest of society..." An old Super chick song that I would blast while driving the minivan down Lancaster Street. Still quite a bit of truth in it. It was a mini me of the rest of society.

I was thinking about how high school was a good thing, at least for me. For a girl whose love language was affirmation, to receive it everywhere I turned, it was a very encouraging time. Now, at this point in my life I may not be involved in three sports, yearbook, student government and a spring play at like the same time .... but I am busy, and I am doing things. And the things I am doing, I try to do them well. Sometimes, its still nice to be extraordinary. I love looking at the girls who are in high school now. They are extraordinary people.

Alyssa and Juliana, you rock my socks off. I am so proud of you two, the things you are involved in, the things you accomplish. You are going to grow into the most amazing women! Thank you for sharing with me last week, and for letting me be a small part of your lives. Take your high school and embrace it, because it won't come again.

Oh to Brunch

2011-06-04T15:01:00.000-07:00

On Saturday mornings, at 11, we have brunch. Its potluck style, you bring food to share, the hope is that we all have enough to eat. I think one week I should make crepes. Everyone is invited to brunch, if you live in Portland, or want to come to Portland, you can come.

Today we had quiche, from the left overs of our week. We might make this a tradition ... just like brunch ... and Sunday morning bread. We also had roasted potatoes, fresh fruit, and pancakes. We sat on our front porch and laughed and talked about how wonderful this is.

How its like the old days when women would sit on their porch and spy on their neighbors ... not that WE spy on our neighbors. But, FYI - the people directly across from us are CREEPY! Seriously, they wake up just to rub their disel engines at 2 in the morning, and I swear the women stands in the curtains and just stares at us when we eat at our table. We talked about how we really want to be friends with the young couple next door, their daughter scarlet is so cute! The family to our right with the teenagers are super nice, they smile and say hi each time they get home, I think we should have dinner with them. And how we really want to reach out to the family across and to the left, they have five girls and a grumpy grandpa, and they need Jesus, at least for now we can offer them chalk to play with. And the house of all men that moved in the same day as us? Its not a house of men, its a young couple, the men just moved them in. Go figure. But, like I said, its not like we spy on our neighbors.

Anyways, brunch. Sarah C. and I were sitting on the porch, the side without all the flowers. We were talking about how cool it is that were doing what we said we were going to do. There is such satisfaction in follow through, especially for me. Early back in the spring I started pretending we had the house, and I pretend invited people over for Saturday morning brunches ... but the thing is that we actually do it! We are doing brunch. We are sitting on our porch. We are playing games and reading books instead of always watching tv seasons. We are buying fresh fruit, and eating little meat, and cooking healthy food, and surviving quite well without internet. We are hosting the way our mothers thought us and decorating the ways we want.

But for right now, I think Saturday morning brunches are one of my favorite things.

Our House

2011-05-24T13:35:00.000-07:00

The story of how we got this house is crazy, and long. But lets just say that God is good and gives good gifts to his children.

We spent our finals week painting. Every night painting. I think I painted for like 50 hours. I was emotionally drained, trying to cope with leaving school, moving, taking finals, and becoming an adult. And then we moved. And then it was wonderful. I said that I would feel settled when three things happened : When I could sit on my porch, when my map was up, and when all my books were in one place. Well, the night before I left to come to Colorado, to spend this week with Katie, I finished the last on that list. And for all of you who pitched in on getting me the map, thank you!!

Refill that Local Roast Please

2011-05-24T13:23:00.000-07:00

So, here I am in Colorado. At Marika's Coffeehouse, in Manitou Springs. Katie is at work, and I spent the day wandering alone. Now, that may not seem interesting to any of the rest of you, but it is amazing. Just what I wanted and needed. I went to the park, and crossed bridges, and sat the the library built in 1910 and read about the history of this area. I wore my Portland rain jacket and my Thailand purse and walked and walked. I talked to Harmony on the phone. I found my bank. I bought some loose leaf tea and herbs for my house. Then I found this coffee shop. I just have a knack for finding the perfect coffee shop where ever I go. It is especially fun to me when I do so after the people I know who live in these places tell me there is no local cool coffee shop ... there always is! (example : Boise, La Grande, Colorado:)

I brought Northanger Abbey with me today. It is the second Jane Austin I am attempting to read. I am never able to read her, because to read her one must appreciate her and her over usage of adjectives. My brain is almost always at too fast a pace to read each word, and I end up skimming and thus loosing 92% of what she is trying to say. I choose to read a book I do not know the story line to, I didn't even read the back. And let me just tell you, Catherine Morland is a most wonderful character, and my brain is at a slow enough pace to read every word.

According to google maps, I am 1,323 miles from my house on 84th st, to this coffee shop in Manitou springs. I could have found a shop like this at home, but there is something about being 1,323 miles away that makes it so much more glorious. Knowing that I will not run into anyone I know ... and yet still feeling overwhelmingly safe.

On the Airplane

2011-05-24T13:17:00.000-07:00

It never gets old, this flying above the clouds thing. To be so far off the ground, watching all rehlms of famaliarity turning into specks as I watch. And then we break trusting forth through that thick fluffy white layer into a new world. A white carpeted, soft, tentle, continuing, similar world. The Mt peaks prick through, the suns light abounds. Am I in heaven here in this place? Or perhaps nearer to it?

I wonder on the first person to have traveled through this stratesphere. Was their thrill the same as mine? What sort of wandering astonishment penetrated their thoughts so void of factual understanding?

How marvelous our God to create such a world. For thousands of years this fluffy world sat. Unseen. Untouched. And during those thousands of years, this world sung to the glory of God. Nothing the Lord creates goes un appreciated. Just like the wildflowers in the meadow on a Mt top, never seen by human eyes. They bloom for only a few days, and wilt. Even those wildflowers were appreciated by their creator. In all their intricate splendor, the Lord made and enjoyed them for HIS GLORY!

How much more of this world is yet to be discovered? I rest knowing that it does not need to be discovered by mine eyes, but that all things there belonging to the Creator are enjoyed.

Stop Freaking

2011-05-11T13:22:00.000-07:00

“I didn’t ask you to become new and improved today. That was not the goal. You were broken down and strange yesterday, and you still are today, and the only one freaked out about it is you.”

This is from a book, called Cool Tangerine (I think?) That Lauren gave to Sarah. Anyways, she was comparing life to that of an old house, how there are always things to fix. As I move into an old house, and find things every hour that need fixed, I see the parallel to my life. So many things need fixed. This is the quote written on my mirror this week.

Pretending No More

2011-05-11T13:18:00.000-07:00

I’m sick of pretending, and convincing, and pretending some more.
I’m so good at it that I convince myself.
Well, I’m sick of pretending to be an adult and everyone assuming I am.
I present myself as so secure and confidant. But on the inside, I am not.

I am a risk taker, I thrive on instant decisions, and convince people through pretending to have it all together.
I convince people that I am confidant.
And that usually convinces me as well.
I don’t feel very confidant.
I feel scared. And insecure.

I am a little girl trapped in this woman’s body, but I can’t escape it.
There are these expectations that I live up to what I appear, so I do.
Continually.
And I just want one day off.

One day where I can blurt out my little girl feelings.
One day where I can trust someone else to make decisions, and totally relinquish control, and have someone else lead.
One day where I can stop being needed.
And I can need others.

But I know that this day will not come.
I know that I must be secure and confidant.
Just as I present.
I must become what I have pretended to be,
But not just pretend to be it,
I must really be it.

I am,
No longer this little girl.

(this was written on Sunday, I already feel dififerent, but I decided that I liked this still and wanted it posted.)

On Being an Adult

2011-05-05T21:05:00.000-07:00

You know when you are 10 and you are allowed to stay home alone for the first time?? And you feel like you are an adult? And you pretend that the house you are in is all yours?
Then the Parents come back.
You know when you are like 15 and you stay home over night for the first time? And you feel like you like you are an adult? And you pretend that the house you are in is all yours?
Then the adults come back.
You know when you are 18 and you travel across the world, alone, for the first time? And you feel like you are an adult? And you pretend the life you are living is your adult life?
Then you go home and find you are not the adult you thought you were.
You know when you are 21 and you can do things for the first time? And you feel like your an adult? And you pretend that you are an adult. Then, you look at yourself and realize your not as cool as you make yourself out to be.
And you wait for the adults to come back, and you see that your suppose to be that adult.
And you know when you are 22, and you feel like your suppose to be this adult? Because 22 is really old. And for the first time, you realize that the adults are not coming back. That the game is not going to end. That you are the adult.

I was laying in bed the other night. Laughing to myself. Laughing about this game I am playing, where I pretend to be an adult. You know, like when your 5 and you tell someone your 12, and they "believe you." You know they dont really believe you... but it seems like they do, so you hold onto that glimmer of maybe and laugh about it. Well, I was laughing about this game of me pretending to be an adult, and how long its worked! I mean, I convinced someone to rent me a stinkin house! But, what happens when she finds out that I am not an ad--- .... Oh See Thats when it hit me. I am the adult. I'm not playing a game anymore. I convinced her, because I am that adult! I am convincable because I am who I am! And I am still kind of giddy about that.

ipodless transportation

2011-05-01T22:38:00.000-07:00

I walked down 82nd St. The street where the prostitutes are. Where sex trafficing takes place. Where shootings happen. The street that is as famaliar as the cold-e-sac I grew up on. I thought about how a priority before next fall will be the purchase of an ipod, because after all if I am going to be spending that much time on buses, I want to drown people out and listen to something. Right? I don't know. I have gotten use to life with out one. From that day whe my ipod was stolen in S. Korea. I have to say, I remember much more of the trip without my ipod, becuase I was able to focus on where I was and listen to the sounds around me, and to my thoughts.

I was on the bus today, trying to fill out some Geology packets, watching the druggie lady who really needed a fix, and listen to a conversation in the back of the bus. Andre was telling another young woman about his church, New Directions (which reminded me of Glee, and I got slightly distracted and missed part of the conversation.) She said she had heard of it, and that her friend volunteered there, but they didn't go to church. He told her about how great it was, and that she should come visit. And she said she would. She would go to that church and ask for Andre.

Then Angela got on board. She was a beautiful woman, about my moms age. The bus driver commented on her shoes and how brave she was to walk in her three inch heels. She explained that she had worn those high of shoes for 50 years and why stop now? It was her Sunday best and she was coming from church with her two grandchildren. Andre came to the front and started talking to Angela. He asked her if she were coming from church. She was. He told her about how he needs to go back to church, its been two weeks and that is not good. "Oh thats not good at all!" Angela chimed in, she explained to that honey that he needed to be at church for his well being. And he agreed with his head hung. She told him he neeeded Jesus. He knew. She told him of her church, Immanuel Luthern, and how he should come visit. He said he would. He would go to that church and ask for Angela.

As he depared from the bus, she yelled after him that Jesus loved him. Then she sat there, holding onto her two grandchildren and she prayed for that man. She prayed out loud. She prayed fervently. She prayed with emotion. I wanted to talk to her, I think I should have, but I did not. I didn't know what to say. I wanted her to know that she inspired me. That she was a witness with her life and I could tell it just oozed out of her. What a priviledge for those two kids to spend time with such an amzaing woman. I praised the Lord that there are still good people in this world, and that they are in Portland sharing the gospel.

Last Sunday, it was Easter, and a woman was riding the bus, and standing there as each person got on, reminding them that it was Easter and that our Lord was risen!

Then on the way home, on the max. There was a young mom and her 18 month old son. He was in a stroller and very antsy. They had had a long day, and she was exhausted and needed some help, and a break. He kept trying to get out, and with each wiggle he would irritatingly interupt her precious day dreams that took her away from the dull reality she found herself in. She finally broke and ripped the object from his hands that he had disobediently taken from under the stroller. He cried and them screamed "I HATE YOU." I hardly beileved I heard right. I had to look, and he said it again. Barely understandable because of his young age, but that was most certainly what he said. He said it 29 times inbetween Lloyd center and 60th St. 29 times the toddelr told his mother that he hated her. She just told him to stop, then looked back out the window and ignored him. --- Where on earth did he learn to say that? Why was she taking it? Where was the grandmother Angela?

I prayed for that woman. I was reminded that there are Christians in Portland, and that they are ministering, but there are more, like this young mom, who need to hear.

Removed yet not exempt

2011-04-28T22:09:00.001-07:00

A tornado touched down in the city where my sister and her family live. And I don't really like that one bit.

We have been talking in my British Literature class about suffering, and how far removed we are from it ... until it affects us personally. We have come to the conclusion that this is the way it must be, or we would be in constant grief over the death or suffering of someone. We must find a way to distance ourselves from pain, so that when it does affect us ... it can reach us. We have been talking about natural disasters and wars, and how we feel for those affected, but then our day continues. We see the commercial of the starving African children, and then the channel changes. Does that mean that we have a callused heart? I think not ... it just means we are protecting our heart.

I've been storm tracking, seeing the abundance of tornado touch downs in the south lately, and I've been more interested than ever before. Until this year, tornados were something that belonged in movies, in "Twister" or "Wizzard of Oz." Now I read of them and know that real people are affected. And then today. Today the tornado touched down in Madison County, right where my sister lives.

I was there about a month ago, visiting. Alabama, its a real place. There are real, breathing people there. And of those people, my sister, and her husband - away on his base, and my four neices and nephews that are so dear to my heart I barely believe that I can love my own children someday more. When I was there it rained, non-stop, not an Oregon rain, but a scary rain .... a rain that howls. In a sermon on Sunday, the Pastor said he believed the sound of howling wind is the closest thing we can understand to the groanings that the scriptures talks about. I think about that little apartment where my sister is, and of the earth groaning around her. And I want to be there.

I remember being a little girl and running to the arms of my sister when I was scared. It didn't happen very often, but it did happen. She was my comfort. I remember being so young, and having croup, and she rocked me on the front porch. When I was in Alabama last month, we found ourselves at the windows, night after night at 2 am, watching the lightening bolts and listening to the thunder crack and whip. And it was comforting that my sister was there.

One of the articles reporting on the storm in the south quoted a man saying that tornados were something he expected to happen in Arkansas, not MIsssissippi. I scofffed ... but cought myself, I do the same thing. We always expect it to happen to someone else, not to me, I'm exempt. Well, this tornado may be 2000 miles away, but it hits very close to home. I am not exempt.

I know that these events could scare me. The enemy would love to terrify my heart into believing that a natural disaster is creeping at the door of my life. And you know what? Maybe it is. Mt. Hood could blow up tonight, and I would be covered in ash. But I am not going to fear disaster. I am not going to fear fear. I serve a good God. A very good God indeed. And he has said that he has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and sound mind.

We went for a walk

2011-04-25T23:22:00.000-07:00

We took a walk today, me, myself, and I. We walked past my dream house, and an orange house, and a house with a breakfast nook. While we walked spring was above my head, and beneath my feet. We discussed amongst ourselves the neighborhoods, and the diversity that lies from one street to the next. How there is a sense of security when strolling in an over grown ally behind large gabled houses, but a sense of defense when walking down a broad street, on the sidewalk in front of an "apartment" complex where the name is scratched out.

We talked about how there is a class distinction here in America, here in Portland, though we assume it to be a foreign thing from our historical missions teachings. We fought between ourselves of whether we felt we were in a certain class, of whether we considered ourselves to be "higher" than another. One of us said no, absolutly not, there is no distinction, not here, not in America. Another one of us said yes, I think there is ... there is a feeling of entitlement. Me ... Ya, I feel it. I find myself feeling like I am exempt, like I am entitled to more. But I am so far removed from the reality of truth.

I, myself and I, we are applying now for DHS help, so I can live and eat. This is the very program I am attending school to better understand and change so that people are not dependant upon it. Am I exempt or entitled? I think not. One of me says, yes I am ... but the other part of me catches this attitude and wants to rid the other half of it. I don't want to feel entitled, I am not better. The Lord, he does not see class. There is no difference in his mind between the dream house, or the orange house, or the named etched out apartment complex.

We returned from our walk, and we picked a little bit of spring from the park where the homeless sleep. Its the same spring that grows on my safe bubbled campus. We put it in a clean vase, me, myself and I. We put that little bit of spring in a vase.

Rocking in La Grande

2011-04-18T00:43:00.000-07:00

White House Coffee is located on 4th st. in downtown La Grande Oregon. Its an old plantation style house, remodled, cooler than any shop I've found yet in Portland. And that is saying a lot. In side there were rooms, one with books and a sliding ladder. The lady makes her own chai from scratch, she learned how when she was in Philidelphia. They serve stumptown coffee, which if you are anywhere away from Portland is a comforting home like feeling. They serve their coffee and chai in local handmade blue pottery cups that you can take home with you for only $10, too bad I just bought one at the Saturday Market! But the best part ... the best part of all, is that it had a porch. A massive covered front porch. White washed, with black trim and a bright red door. Twelve black rocking chairs surrounding black Ikea tables. We sat in those black rocking chairs and rocked. We rocked and drank our chair and coffee, and ate pastries acquired from the bakery on Second st. It was 62 degress and raining. Muggy, but under our covered porch, we were dry. We talked about weddings mostly, Sharells. And ours. About how wouldn't it be amazing if we could own a coffee shop like this? About how cool my mom was for learning to text! About Sarah going to India. And of what kind of people must have lived in that house when it was first there .... why was the house first there anyway? We talked about church, and school, and high school, and friends from high school. We talked about feeling old, and the season of life were in. And we kept rocking. We had no where else to be, rare yes, but we had no where else to be. So we just kept rocking. I love Saturdays when they are just as they should be. Sleeping in. Discovering a coffee shop that adds peace to the world and restoration to our souls. A Saturday with some of my closest friends, at a coffee shop, in La Grande.

Rocking and having no where else to go.

ripping love

2011-04-18T00:39:00.000-07:00

your ripping me apart your tearing at my heart I'm shredding, bleeding, oozing your rubbing, digging, scraping you clean... and clean... and clean your purity is untouchable your love is unstopable rip me love, rip me apart please dont stop tearing at my heart

My life in song

2011-04-17T23:54:00.000-07:00

feels like I've been here forever

why cant you just intervene

He is jealous for me

keep holding on

this is my prayer in the desert

when all within me feels dry

Blessed be your name

when the road's marked with suffering

that God is the God who provides

you never said the road would be easy

but you said that you would never leave

keep holding on

ill stop praying for an escape

and ill trust you God with where i am

and believe that you will have your way

you never promised that this life wasn't hard

but you promised you'd take care of me

I'll fight and defend

I will declare God is my victory

and He is here

keep holding on

just have your way

oh how he loves us

how he loves us oh

and even if i dont survive

ill still worship you with all my life

all of my life

in every season

you are still God

I have a reason to sing

Blessed be your name.

*This is a compilation of lines from a number of songs I have been listening to:

Oh How he loves us by John Mark Mcmillan

Dessert Song by Hillsong

Keep Holding on by Avril Lavigne

Have Your Way by Brit Nicole

Mama Sirens

2011-04-10T16:12:00.000-07:00

I was at a MAX station and I heard a siren, an ambulance. And I said a prayer for the person the siren was rushing towards ... then I resumed back to my previous thought. It was like I was watching TV and a commercial break came, and went. But I went back to the commercial.
Why did I pray for the siren? What made me do that? I always do that.
Why do I always do that? Because my mom always did that.
I remember being little and driving in the van with mom, and every time she heard a siren she would pray. Lots of time in her head, and I would try to talk to her, and she wouldn't respond. Then she would tell me she was praying. Some times she would pray out loud, just start praying. Sometimes she would announce she was going to pray, sometimes she would ask me to pray. When she would ask me to pray, it was not one of those times that was up for discussion or debate, it was just time to pray. Sometimes she would pray when my friends were in the car. I would get embarrassed. I don't know why. I don't know why I would get embarrassed of her praying, all my frirends were Christians. But even so, she kept praying for sirens all those years. And now ... now I pray for those sirens.
I was sharing this with Angela and Heather. Ang said she prays for sirens too, becuase her mom always did. Heather said she was in the van one of the times my mom prayed ... and she has been praying for sirens ever since too.
Its kinda funny, cause its just this thing. Its a siren, but we hear them all the time. Its this habbit I did not know I had... and I have it because of my mom. I really like that. I keep being told thatI am like my mom, that I do things like my mom, and though we (Harmony and I) scrunch our noses at that ... we know it is a good thing. Because my mom is a mom who prays. Thank you Mama.

Confidant

2011-03-29T10:18:00.000-07:00

Yes, we have the same name … and yes we get many jokes because of it. But no, we are not twins. Who names their twins the same name anyway?? One of the downsides of having a best friend with the same name of you is that you can’t switch back and forth between first and third person very smoothly … it just doesn’t make sense.

Heather (speaking in first person here of not myself) has been a constant in my life for ten years now, that may not sound like much to you older folk … but to a girl of twenty two, a decade is a long time. Though there is no Chuckie Cheese Barbie themed party this year, (embarrassing blast to the past of our 15^th!) I do enjoy thinking about today, March 29^th, as her birthday.

I love that I have a best friend who is as cool* as she is. She collects tea cups, and likes antique stores and wants a log cabin bed in her house one day. She likes blue. She has a cell phone* and her license* and a sweet grandpa car to drive. She likes Gov cup chai and hot dogs with tuna*, and cheese itz and my cooking. Although she can’t really pull off most hats*, she wears boots and totally owns them! She has a mom who calls me daughter #2 and a family who accept me as another member. (They even let me stay with them while I was sick on Christmas!) She listens to broadway soundtracks and takes Sunday afternoon naps and wants to visit Europe. She watches Say Yes to the Dress and plans on having a whole bunch of kids* and raising them as naturally as possible. She is more of a recycling tree hugger than I am. She likes frisbee golf and basketball and volleyball. She is a jr. high basketball coach, has been to state in the shot put (and volleyball), and is a stinkin forest technician! She is going to school to be a teacher and loves kids books and is really smart at math. When she leaves her hair natural, it curls, and she just got these new glasses that are just so awesome! She really good at listening to me talk, and talk, and talk, and talk… and talk. She loves a “good story”* and is really good at rummy* and helped me to love country music. She is friends with my friends*, so really… they are our friends. Even when she is alone, she goes to church, and strives to follow the Lords direction with her life. She loves with constancy and is lives with consistency. She is an optimistic, encouraging, introverted, Woman of God and I am proud to call her my best friend, and honored that I am hers as well.

Willow

2011-03-25T19:27:00.000-07:00

At this park in Alabama
There were willow trees swaying,
I love willow trees!
I think I want to be married under one.
They remind me of Pochohantus and of Grandmother Willow
... I wasn't allowed to watch that movie because of the tree
I love the way they rest and move slow and smooth
I love the way they seem to be gentle, yet strong
Different from an Oak or Maple, or any other
I love the way they drape and enclose
This spot on the Tennessee River,
I think I could stay there for a long time.

Slowin' down

2011-03-25T19:03:00.000-07:00

I've always associated Alabama with the song, not knowing anything about it but that it is a "Sweet Home," ... whatever that means.I know that in the Movie there were cool looking plantation houses and people with thick accents. I knew the general vacinity of where the State was located - over there, in the south. Its just a big grouping in my mind. Then, I came here.

I flew into Nashville, which by the way looks like such a cool city! I've been there once about four years ago for like an hour with my brother, but never really explored it. Then we had dinner at Blessed cracker Barrel .... why do wonderful things not come to Oregon?

Then to Alabama. I've heard it said that life is slower here, just like the sky is bigger in Colorado. (It is!) And I think both statements are true. Besides the fact that people here have a terrible habit of running red lights, things are a bit slower. Especially on the Army base, I mean, the only cafe closes at 2 ok?! But seriously, people walk slower, and talk slower, and bag groceries slower. And if those people were anywhere but here, I would think them to be lazy ... but it somehow fits, like, its ok. They are not lazy, they are slow, and I think being slow is a good thing. Because I don' know how to be slow.

The kids wanted me to see their favorite park. It was wonderful. It was on the banks of the Tennessee River (I know how to spell that words thanks to the grits song!) We ate at a picnic table in the sun. A heavy set man with a thick southern accent who was on his lunch time "drop that food down" walk, stopped to talk to us.... literally to talk TO us. He told us of why Alabama is the best state, and of the river, and the forests, and something about Enron. He spoke in Outline format, said the word of his next category, paused, then began giving main points and a description under each topic. He was knowledgeable and full of facts, but shared them in the way that a 70 year old math teacher might. The funny thing is that I walked away knowing all sorts of things about Alabama that I never knew before!

The only other person at the park was a young mom and her three kids. I just couldn't help but stare at her and her accent, I don't know why it fascinates me so. Even the three year old talked different! I want so badly to pick up this way of speech. Alabama, I havn't seen much of you yet, but I do like what I see. I love the natural beauty. I love the speech. I am in awe by the fact that every car on the road is no more than two years old. I love that you have Cracker Barrel and Chik-fil-A. But, you are no Portland. I love coming here, and seeing you, but I will take my Portlandia ... I just wish I could have it a little more slow.

2011-03-15T09:19:00.001-07:00

I am on my way out for the day. Thinking about the grace of our lord. Today I am tired, but in my weaknesses his power is made perfect!

My world

2011-03-09T14:35:00.000-08:00

So there is this map... and its like really big. I saw it the first time I went to Ikea and I have kinda coveted it since. Every titile I go I make sure I drag who ever is with me to the art section to look at the marvelous map. If you have ever been to Ikea with me, then you know what I am talking about! I stand in front of it and dream. With my head tilted slightly sideways, I dream of where I would put it in my house someday. How I would teach my kids the world with it. I just soak it in and take in the beauty of it. Then, I sigh and I wander away knowing I will never buy it.

At Christmas the price of the map dropped! I was pretty stoked ... but there was still no way I could ever justify it. I remember telling people that the price dropped and maybe I should just buy it. But I did not. Isn't that what Ikea, or most stores are anyways? Just a bigger version of what we want but will never have?

Well, you see I just had this birthday. It was my 22 and besides the fact that I feel now very old and mature and expect to be treated better by other adults .... I didn't expect anything. Here is the other things you must know ... I have these really good friends.

Friday afternoon I was working at the desk, and from the doors on both sides of me girls started pouring in with baloons singing happy birthday! I don't know how many were there, at least 25. I was told later that I had a pretty upset face, if you were one of the girls there sining to me and perhaps thought this, please know I was not upset! I was surprised and yes, a bit angry that I had not figured it out. But I WAS suprised and LOVED IT! Then, these girls gave me my present. A little map, and on it were country flags with different peoples names on it. "We all bought you a country!" Um.... cool I thought. Then, through the double doors it came. This long long cardboard box wrapped all happy birthday style. As I opened it I saw that it was from Ikea, then on the end of the box it had a picture of the map. "MY MAP! YOU GUYS GOT ME MY MAP!" I was so taken away. You see, my friends, 36 of them to be exact all "purchased" a country and went in together to get me my map. Many of the countries were specific to places that people have been or lived in or are going to, so it made it even more personal.

Its still in its box, hidden away in the basement. It is being saved. Saved for my house that I will hopefully live in this summer and for a long time thereafter. I have the small map on my wall and am daily reminded of the love I am surrounded by. I was just this girl with a dream of owning a silly map. And my friends, they went in together to make one of my dreams come true. Now I dont have to tilt my head and wonder and sigh. I own the map. Its mine. Someday I will teach my kids about the world... and about the people who loved me enough to give it to me. If youw were one of those people, Thank you. Thank you for givng me the world.

Clenched Fists

2011-03-03T14:14:00.000-08:00

The Lord is so patient! Oh how hard it is to relinquish control over to Him. I know he is so much more capable than I. He has proved Himself over and over and over again … and yet it’s so easy to get defensive and to want to fight against him. Here is the ironic part, it’s not easy. It’s really hard to fight God, because he wins. He wins every time. Actually, he has already won … he just waits for us to give him the glory for the victory.

I feel like he is this strong father and I am beating his chest with my clenched fists … and you know what he does? He looks down at me, at my wrinkled face and gritted teeth and pounding fists … and he sticks his chest out further so I can hit it harder. He doesn’t grab my hands and force them to a halt. He doesn’t yell at me. He doesn’t hit back. He doesn’t walk away. Oh no … he looks down and he smiles and beams down his love. Then he takes me up in his arms and wraps me in a love that breaks all my defenses. It’s like this paradigm that I don’t really understand … or do I?

I sit here trying to visualize God, trying to understand what it takes to love like He. I am reminded of a time when he showed me that very thing. I was in Armenia, at the orphanage. There was one little boy, and he was so angry. He was not more than three, but while all the other kids were rejoicing in our presence, he fought us. He had clenched teeth… and I took hold of him. And he fought me. He took clenched fists to my chest. And I just hugged him and smiled at him and loved him. I know he didn’t understand my love. I know he didn’t want to relinquish his control to me. But he did. After my arms were around him, his back stopped arching, his head stopped banging, his fists relaxed, and he laid his head on my chest ... and received my love.

I think God wants me to lay my head on his chest and receive his love. I know he does. I am just like that little boy; I know that His love is greater. I know that he is the strong tower, but this sin nature makes me fight. I am glad I serve a patient God. A God who loves me with constancy. Because, sadly … I know my life will be full of clenched fists – but knowing that he is there waiting for me to relinquish my control … I know that I can do it. I know that my God is mighty to save and that he alone is worthy of my praise.

Of sick days and snow days.

2011-02-25T19:32:00.000-08:00

I've been really sick. Head, nose, throat, glands, ears, eye. It made for... a very unproductive week, an application not finished, homework not touched, a snow storm only observed, a very used bed and many missed conversations I am sure.

But this week ... I've been really blown away by love. You know when you are little and you are at home and Mom takes care of you. There is a comfort level that is there, but it is backed by an ounce of expectancy - moms are suppose to do that. They almost enjoy a sick day home with us just because they get to dote on their "trying-to-be-so-very-independent-child." But when your at school, I came to expect a level of independence, I mean people my age are not suppose to take care of me ... right? Wrong. Were talking about the church here.

I am overwhelmed with the amount of love and care I have received in my just three days of being "out of commission." On Wednesday I had nine girls look me in the eye and promise them that I would let them know if I needed anything! My dishes were washed. My cups of tea were brewed. The last of the Christy Movies were brought from the library. I was sent to bed. I was handed ibuprofen. My cup of water was refilled and refilled and refilled. Jess covered my shift and sent me to bed. Amanda covered a shift and sent me to bed. Katie found someone to cover my late night shift because she knew I was too stubborn to ask. Oh friends, why are you so good?

Natalie T. came and hugged me close, knowing that I was contagious ... but touching me still. I felt at that moment like the leper healed by Jesus. I was unclean, untouchable ... and yet I was touched.

Natalie S. was my voice at Dorm Dinner. The girls told me to stay in bed, but I just wanted to be with them!

Angela watched The king and I with me. She sat with me cause I just needed someone around and was so tired of being alone in bed.

Then, around midnight, I could not sleep! "God, I know you are here, among even this. What do you have in store? How can I see you and learn from you??" I texted Ang, Chels and Katie and they rushed to my side. They laid hands and prayed for me. We had not prayed yet? For for heavens sake not?? Then Katie read to me from Psalms. Then they got my quiet worship music and pushed play. I went to bed and slept for almost 6 solid hours. I saw him alright. He was right there beside me, and he came in the form of my three friends.

Do you have those friends? Those friends who will rush to your aid at mid-night? I do ... and I am blown away by them and their love. They expressed sympathy after weeks of me expressing none. They loved after so long a time of me not loving well. They sat with me and held my hand, when I didn't want to talk... The very thing I have failed in so strongly. There was no judgment. They were and are constant! I complain and fight against their authority, and they just keep loving.

I was having a conversation last week with Katie about how I like to be in control. She laughed and said she cant WAIT for the day when I get married and have to relinquish control. That's just it, you cant choose to control me ... unless I relinquish it and give it to you. Why is that so hard? Today I was walking with Chels and she said she loved that I was letting her take control. I had relinquished to her and her authority. She took me to urgent care. And Walgreens. And let me come to the cafeteria, but gave me a time limit and sent me to bed only after watching me take my pills. You girls are absolutely amazing. I haven't had to pretend. You have let me be exactly what I am and have sat in my crap with me.

Thank you RA girls for covering my shifts. And looking me in the eye. And stopping in my room just to check on me. Thank you girls in my hall for being understanding. For being quiet while I slept in the middle of the afternoon. For asking about me. Thank you Katie for being constant. For getting my movie. For reading to my the Psalms. Thank you Chels for letting me relinquish authority to you. For taking me to the Dr. For coming to my aid at Mid-night. And thank you Ang. For being to me the very thing I have not been to you. For demonstrating love in its strongest form. And for sitting with me. I now understand. And tonight ... I go to sleep feeling very, very full.

Saturday Scones

2011-02-19T15:02:00.000-08:00

I woke up

and drank a cup of

Traditional Medicines Throat Coat tea

while sitting in my orange chair

straining my eyes

around the back of the building

through the window

glimpsing the rising sun

and the morning clouds.

Pancakes in the lower lounge

with the commuters

and jam.

A drive with Sarah Jones

to a new part of Portland

at a restaurant

called "Cup and Saucer.

Coffee in my hands

Scones on the table

Conversation

about the faithfulness of God.

Sitting now at the desk

I just bought myself Birks online

after all my credit card said I get double cash back

just because its almost my birthday.

Its still sunny.

I painted my toenails.

I have a pile of cards to fill out and write.

Date tonight with Katie Stephens.

Chelsea's birthday is today.

Its Saturday.

This is exactly as a Saturday should be

scones and all.

The Milk

2011-02-17T21:41:00.000-08:00

My Sister and I took the kids to Multnomah Falls. It was a typical Oregon heavy, wet day. The kids were antsy and hungry ... cause we hadn't really planned on going, we just wanted to talk, Harmony and I, and if we drove maybe we could do that. So anyway, the kids, they needed sugar, so we stopped at that little Cafe just under the falls, you know the one, outside under the tent? Well, they were closing up, and kinda irritated that we wanted a drink. (It was like 3:45 ok?) We looked at the menu and saw:
Chai $4.50. Oregon Chai. Uck.
Mocha $4.00
Steamer $4.00
A four dollar steamer. You know what steamer is right? Its hot milk with one shot of flavor. Normally flavor is like .30 addition, if that. And milk ... how expensive is milk anyway? Well, then Harmony asked "How much for just a hot cup of milk, no flavor?"

The snotty girl replied "Its the SAME price as a steamer. $4.00"
"A cup of milk is $4.00?" Harmony asked gaspingly back?
"Yes." And we walked away shocked, telling the kids that there would be no special drinks today.
Four dollars. Four dollars for a cup of milk. 12 oz. A cup and a half. do you know how much a gallon of milk costs? Three dollars, tops. Four dollars if you are like camping and shopping at the only "convenient" store within twenty miles. But then, even then .... when the hiked up prices are outrageous ... its OK. But, four dollars for a cup and a half of steamed milk is beyond outrageous. Its like not even worth arguing about ... like, how do you justify something like that? You don't! That's how!
We walked away and I ranted while the waterfall overflowed its wetness upon me. I think I missed some of the whole waterfall experience because I was so caught up with the milk!
"Maybe," I said to Harmony. "Maybe their milk is so expensive because they milk it right there and its hot from the utters and the cow eats organic, multnomah falls grown grass..."
"Yeah .... that's it Heather. They have a cow."
"Can I go ask them? Can I go ask the snotty coffee girls if their milk is so expensive because they milk it right there???"
"No Heather. You can't ask them. Lets just pretend that is actually the case."

Well Multnomah Falls Coffee shop. I do not understand thee ... but I choose to believe that somewhere, you have a cow and that you serve the freshest steamed milk in the northwest.

My Portlandia

2011-01-17T16:37:00.000-08:00

A busy Sunday morning coffee shop. I wish I were invisible so I could better speculate each person. To stand right next to them and actually hear each word - rather than my poor attempt of listen in in from afar. Whats their story? Why are they here?

I analyze their dress. This culture, this "Portlandia" 90's style that lingers and attracts and stagnates. Wool sweaters, rain boots, overalls, floral print, fuzzy hair, high waisted jeans. Make up free faces, tattooed arms (and hands, necks...) Comfortable. Flannel, Cotton, fleece.

Beneath the facade smiles, I'm sure there is pain - there always is. But their people. Umbrella free on a very rainy day people. (Except for that one man in fitted jeans with his designer pursed girlfriend - the California plate must be theres.)
I just really like this place called Portland. Where bikers are peddlers not leather wearers. This place that knows good coffee and knits their own socks and have season passes to places like the zoo. Where people are comfortable with their body, in their body - maybe a little too much so. With all its obvious liberal flaws - there sure is a lot of acceptance in this little big city. I mean, people are OK with who they are and who I am, and who you are. And most even want to hear about it ... as long as your gosh darn opinion is not forced upon them.

These people here, I mean, I am one of them. I am from here, well not really but kinda. I want to be from here. I like it here. I want to be here. I feel like this Portland culture "where young people come to retire" is lazy, and perhaps that is why its so gloriously appealing. But even with the go green/organic/recycle push ... there is still a dull drum or plainness. To accept the "make up free, cozy look" ... there is a bit of sloppy too. But we don't like to tell each other when were sloppy.

Though there is some (beauty that is) ... I feel like the sloppy brings a void of beauty. Were created for beauty. To be beautiful. To crave it. To see it. To make it and admire it. When we purposefully chose to make our lives void of it ... were making our lives void of the essence of the King of Glory. He is here, in Portland. I see him. I see the evidence of him. I know this culture suffocates Him out. Its a massive push to rid ourselves of him ... but I won't let that stop me from experiencing Him.

Here’s Me

2010-12-04T00:06:00.001-08:00

I don’t know what stops me from blogging, I think about it often, I put it on many a list – but it never seems fitting to blog simply to check it off a list; though I do so enjoy checking off lists. I was thinking tonight back to many high school nights when I was the “star” of the school play. I loved those nights. I loved performing and having the attention and the affirmation after – but after the performances, I just wanted to leave!

I was thinking about traveling and my day in Amsterdam or 3 days in Bangkok. I loved those days, being around the crowds and masses and un recognizable faces. But I loved more than that my times alone in my room or hotel at night.

Thinking about Camps and conferences and youth group outings and Applebee’s and YWAM and Denny’s and Party’s. I liked them … but I liked them most when they were over and I was alone, or at least in bed and the noise died.

I never noticed it then, but I did notices my “bi-polar” type emotions though I could never narrow them down or pin point triggers. Everybody told me I was extroverted, because I was so outgoing and confident and had so many friends and like to lead things. You don’t go against what people tell you, I mean were talking about the same people who told me I was to be a pastor.

You see, all those years, I was an introvert struggling to be an extrovert. I lovd people with a passion, but didn’t give myself ample alone time. Oh I liked my alone time! My room in high school was a haven.

This was my space. Perhaps this is why I did not go to bed until 2 am, cause after my whole schedule, I would come in here with candles and music and lights and be alone. I just did not do it purposefully.

Tonight was the school Christmas party – so much fun! But when it was over, I was done. Done being with people. I praise the Lord for allowing me to have my own room this year. I was reading about introverts on Wikipedia just now and it said that they are not necessarily shy people, but people who get energy from being alone. They often like reading, writing, soft music and blogging. Haha, here I am! Well anyways, that’s just what I am thinking about tonight.

Leaves fall.

2010-11-01T00:12:00.001-07:00

I’ve been thinking about Fall. Its my favorite of the seasons you know. I am simply in awe of the sudden weather change and the shifting color in the leaves, from a bright green, to a deep orange – until they fall on the ground and turn brown.

I made a tree out of cardboard and construction paper for my hallway. As Katie picked it up a couple orange leaves fell off. “Heather, the leaves fell!” She exclaimed almost worried, with an unspoken question of whether I would fix the art project. I just responded with “The tree is dying Katie, the leaves have to fall off.” I’ve been thinking about how the tree is dying as it looses its leaves, and yet the dying process is so beautiful.

My Grammy is dying. She has always been a strong tree, and yet like fall, she is quickly deteriorating like a shocking shift in the weather. My initial response is much like Katie’s, I want to repair her with urgency – but she is dying, therefore her leaves must fall. She is the most beautiful in this dying process. Her wrinkles and scars and wounds are more attractive than I imagine her skin to have ever been in her youth. I am glad that our Lord made the dying process beautiful.

# 2 – Canada and Bust

2010-10-21T19:20:00.001-07:00

Well, we accomplished one on the list that I thought might not get done. For our four day fall break, we drove to Canada. Katie Stevens, Angela Morton, Heather Potter and Chelsea Fisher. We crammed into my two door car and took off on the adventure with passports, snacks, a gps, and a hotel reservation. And, we had a great time! We learned about flashing green lights and exchange rates and kilometers. We walked downtown Vancouver at night and noted how safe it felt compared to Portland, but I concluded I still like Portland so much more. We didnt get any stamps at the Us or Canada Boarder, but we did all drive the car in Canada at some point, and that is pretty cool. Even though my car died 256 miles away from Portland on the way back and we needed to get a tow with a dude named Tarent, we all made it back safe and were glad we went. With a Canada patch not sewed on my backpack, I can say – CHECK!

An Abstract

2010-09-30T21:06:00.001-07:00

Pounding, sound deaf walls, concrete floor.

Glass heart, pillow shield, arrows flying;

feathers, shattered mirrors.

Broom swept, ashes kept, trash dumped, stained glass beauty.

#21

2010-09-26T14:11:00.000-07:00

I was reading over my Bucket List from my birthday last year and realized I never posted this one!

In August Heather and I took Lauren to McMinimis Edgefield for her 21st Birthday. Edgefield is an old poor farm turned Winery. It was a glorious breezy day. We all looked cute. We choose to eat lunch in the main building. We were waiting for a table, when Lauren giggled and pointed at the bar and said "we could eat in there!" So we did.

Then we went down into a cellar for some wine tasting. It was like $5 for a couple different types, so we all got different ones and ended up trying like 12 different ones. I discovered that I do not like red wine. Heather does. I prefer a chilled white wine, even though I still only kinda liked a couple of them, it was really fun.

There was a wedding going on there that day too and it was great to see everybody walking around in their outfits. So many people, enjoying life and each other. I felt privileged that I got to spend that day with those two girls.

Weed in Madras

2010-09-25T23:19:00.001-07:00

So Angela and I are like at this Shell Station on the outskirts of Madras. Were on our way back from a short trip to Bend for the day with Katie and Sarah. It was a truck stop, supposedly said the sign. The gas lady wore an oversized shirt with a semi-truck covering the back, on top of tight black pants that settled on some thick, white sketchers. She had bleached long hair and chunky bangs, and crinkled skin. I think she might have been in her 40’s, but her body aged her to be much older.

So anyways, this gas lady, she comes to my door to get my card and I dig through my purse on my lap. Because my window is broke my door is open,and when the contents of my purse go spilling out the lady yells a four letter word out of shock. She leans in for a closer look at the little baggies of mysterious green loose leaf laying unmarked.

“If I didn’t know better I’d think that was some’tin else! I mean, I have no problem using the stuff I just would not flaunt it like that!” Her crooked yellow teeth showed some serious substance abuse behind thin, sad lips.

“OH!” I responded … Its loose leaf tea I bought today! I opened it and showed her the label. “You want to smell?” She stepped back to start pumping my gas and was for the first time since our meeting at an appropriate arm length away from me. She proceeded to babble on about how ****ing stupid people are and that is really all we are as humans anyways. Her mumblings became muffled as she walked across the empty lot to pick up a stick to shove in my gas tank to make the nozzle stay in. Angela and I just sat and like looked at each other.

I told her of my desire for Pumpkin lattes, and how I don’t like Starbucks, but I do like Dutch Bros. except they are not getting the holiday flavors until next Saturday. That is why I had this loose leaf tea. I got some pumpkin spice Chai to enjoy this week. I nodded in agreement that there are a lot of stupid decisions in the world. I noticed that she wore no wedding band, but did wear several clanky gold rings on fingers laden with long burgundy nails. Her hands were wary, they told a story of sadness and pain, hands that had seen a lot of stupid people.

Angela and I ate pretzel sticks and wondered how much longer we were going to be on this “quick stop off” that was interfering with our timing the length of our trip. In the back of my mind, I observed the lady, her dress, her words, her empty laugh. I was sad that she only had seen stupid people and that she liked her substances. I was sad as I drove away laughing about her. How many like her are there? And we like, don’t even have the time to go beyond the shallowness.

Its the most wonderful time, of the year!

2010-09-16T08:01:00.001-07:00

A leaf fell at my foot, softly. The morning crisp air bit my nose in a most delicious way. The rain smelled wonderfully … like a song. Sweet Potato fries. Pumpkin Smoothies. Did I tell you Fall is HERE?!

Three nice things

2010-09-04T21:53:00.001-07:00

1. We had a going away party for Lauren at Macaroni Grill. The warm rosemary bread kept making it to my mouth. We surprised Lauren, by being there, but hid behind our menu’s when she came in. We drew on the paper table cloth. The men wore ties. I miss Lauren already.

2. We spent like and hour in Boarders. I found an atlas of the world and got lost. Sarah Jones came and admired it with me. We mapped out our different trips for each other. And talked of our adventures. And flipped pages through country after country that we have yet to visit. Of places we have been and long to return. The group I guess was waiting for us to finish talking, but when they heard our topic, they realized their would be no finish. We all left, and Sarah and I found ourselves salivating over this world map sheet paper in the paper store.I like Sarah and not having to finish.

3. I get back to school and drink a grapefruit IZZE. I find out my lifelong friend Kirsten is engaged! It makes me think of all my memories with her. Our like 17 year friendship. I wonder upon the paper in my notebook, created a good 6 years ago with her yellow and purple wedding plans in it. I smile, because I see her picture with Gavin from today. I really like him. And I trust him. He was able to put that smile on her face. I think I like this growing up thing.

Moment

2010-08-01T00:34:00.001-07:00

" Live for the moment, but not at the expense of the future." -Unknown.

(Taken from the Journal Justine gave me where she randomly wrote quotes down.)

How fitting this quote was. If you have talked to me lately, you have probably heard me discuss this. School starts for me in 16 days... AHHH! My excitement level? Off the charts. I am so excited for the future, but not at the expense of my present. My entire life I have looked up, looked forward, looked out ... never looked down or in the mirror or in a circle. Gazing out the window in Mr. Bentleys Class... dreaming. Driving in a bumpy van toward Mt. Ararat ... dreaming. Working at Outback ... dreaming. I missed so much. I missed many of Mr. Bentleys wonderful words. I missed the beauty of drives and of so much of Europe. I missed the broken co-workers that were silently screaming at me ... because I was dreaming.

I dream now... but I am so fully aware of my present. What am I doing today? What can I learn from God today? The people I am with. The silent screams. The beauty. The wise words. The silence and joy and freedom. I am living very much in the moment, but it is not at an expense to my future. They are hand in hand. Who and what I am today, is making me into what I need for two weeks from now. I need them both, I focus on them equally. Heather always tells me "Moderation. Everything in Moderation." Your right Heather. Your right.

Bliss

2010-07-29T21:31:00.001-07:00

So I won this contest on Laura’s blog to try a free pint of Coconut Bliss. Its a gluten, dairy, soy free ice cream. Tonight I took my coupon into Fred Meyers and redeemed it for my free pint. I was a bit discouraged to find that my only two options were Naked and Dark Chocolate, and seeing that I am not much of a Chocolate fan, I opted for the Naked.

We ate it in the car, my two aunts, Grammy and I (with spoons we took from the deli) and we enjoyed it very much. I am not a huge fan of the texture of coconut, though I love the flavor. This straight up coconut taste reminded me very much of being in Thailand and drinking Coconut Milk Shakes. (Not too ironic seeing that the farm Luna and Larry purchase their coconuts from is in Thailand!)

I am a big fan of the after affect it had on me …NOTHING! About three years ago I gave up milk and found my asthma to almost disappear. Ice Cream has always been my favoritist of things … but after I got use to not having the dairy, my body stopped craving ice cream … but my mouth did not! I had no flem, no problem breathing, no stomach ach! I will be going to the store very soon (this time I will take the drive out to Whole Foods) So that I can try the Cappuccino! I recommend this product to anyone.

Territory

2010-07-29T16:42:00.001-07:00

Isn’t it funny how territorial we are? We claim our space, and we own it, and our right to it, and we feel the need to protect it … and are in a way, prideful of it.

At work, (my janitorial job) I have been there around six months. I am pretty shy and keep to myself there, because the other employees had been there a while. It was their territory. Then, some people were fired and a new girl came in and I had to train her … and all of a sudden I was full of confidence, because this was my territory, I knew it better than her.

About this same time I was volunteering at a big event downtown and I once again was pretty shy my first shift, doing what others told me to do. When I returned the next day, I was recognized as being there before and I was trusted with some stuff, and as I stood my post, I was shy … until I found out the lady I was working with was new, and I knew something she did not, and I filled her in, and I noticed myself kicking into a new gear, pride popping out; my territory.

Then, it came out once more that week. I went to a worship event at school. A girl came up and introduced herself to me and asked if I was new. I had a bit of an attitude and responded with a tisk “NO, I am a sophomore.” And with that, she walked away. “Geesh, Those seminary students don’t know us at all.” I sat to Angela. Then as the night progressed, I come to find out that Wendy, the girl who introduced herself to me, was an incoming freshman next year and knew noone there … and that was her first association with Multnomah Students. I felt terrible! Luckily, I was able to talk it over with her afterwards and explain and ask forgiveness for my attitude. She thought it was pretty funny that I misplaced her, a just graduated high school student, for a married seminary student!

All of this has really look at this whole territory thing. I don’t like it. I think we should be treating people and acting the same, no matter our “turf ground.” This is going to be really hard to do, especially with the sinful pride nature we hold. But thanks to my embarrassing run in with Wendy, I am going to be checking my heart much faster.

“May the words of my mouth, and the thoughts of my heart, be pleasing to you Oh Lord.” –Psalm 19:14

My Sister

2010-07-24T22:22:00.001-07:00

"Sisters don't need words. They have perfected a language of snarls and smiles and frowns and winks - expressions of shocked surprise and incredulity and disbelief. Sniffs and snorts and gasps and sighs - that can undermine any tale you're telling." -Pam Brown ( Borrowed quote off Katy's blog)

Today is my sisters birthday. I am sad that I can not be with her. I remember summers and all the different places we were during her birthday (Sunriver, Creation, Beach, Camping...) I sure loved it when we had parties and all her friends would come over and I would get to run around pretending in my mind to be so much older than I really was.

My sister is one of my most favorite people in the world, and it aches my heart that we live a whole state away. As a little girl, I imitated her every move; I find now, still trying to imitate her. She is my little big sister, I surpassed her in size and height when I was 11 ... but she never lost her influence on me. The nine years that separates us now is not as obvious as it once was, oh and how much I take joy in that! For so long I strived and strived to be older than I was to "catch up." It was not until this Thanksgiving that I realized, we would always be nine years apart, but we would continue to get closer the more things we had in common, the more I matured, the more we both grew deeper in the Lord.

I know so much of her. Such a large part of my life, I sat just listening. I would hide under the bed and listen to her talk, or write out loud, or be on the phone, or chat with Cameo ... until I got my hair caught in the springs and started crying. I would hide under the desk, and listen. I would be allowed to go on car rides, and to friends houses, as long as I didn't complain. And I desired to be around her so much, I would go, even if it meant being a 11 year old, listening to 20 year olds discussing religion and politics at Sherri's at 11 at night. I would lay in hall way and listen to her late night conversations with Dad about the Bible. For a few years, I use to just go sit outside her door when I could not sleep at night. I would listen to Six Pence none the Richer and look with my one eye under the door at the flickering candle lights. I sat as she told me about this "David". I have listened as she told me childbirth, and post childbirth. And of being a mom, and a wife. And when she told me to go to college, I listened, I went, and it was one of the best decisions I ever made.

Harmony, I love listening to you. I love calling you and letting you talk, rant, rave, ramble and repeat yourself. I am sorry if I don't offer more of me, I am not trying to hold back, I just love listening to you so much! It's ... what I have always done, even if you didn't know it. I love the Mama you are, and the wife you are, and the words you write ... reading them is like listening to you, because I can hear your voice. I love watching old movies with you, and discussing the language of quality literature. I feel so proud to have an older sister, one I have a relationship with, one I desire to be with, one I opt to be like. I share you (and your blog!) with everyone. I love that I have a sister, and I love even more that that sister is you!

Happy Birthday.

All on a Saturday night

2010-07-08T17:11:00.000-07:00

This weekend was Celina and Barry's Wedding. It was small, simple, and sincere. The sun came out so our rain boots didn't have to. It was complete with Pedicures, shopping, German food and balloons. Welcome to the World Mr. and Mrs. Nix!

Saturday Night, we had a bon fire out at the RV park Barrys family was staying at in Woodland, Washington. A gorgeous sunseted, chilly night. Then, as the boys set up the fireworks, an elderly woman shuffled over to the ledge and shouted "you cant do that. It scares my little dog." A few choice words were exchanged between the group and the woman. "Well," she concluded. "I already told on you to the park ranger and here she comes now." Sure enough the sound of a golf cart on gravel geared up in our ears.

"You can not do fireworks until tomorrow. You can not go off the property and do them, if you do them anywhere where I can see them I will kick you out of the park." So, the fireworks went away, and with much urging from the peace wanting mother, words were kept inside. Mandy and I just looked at each other. We rode in the just married car and got some good looks from passerby's and we watched some grown people dramatically act as though they were 13.

On the way home, Mandy and I shared every memory we had of our Grandma Ziebart. Then there was a bridge lift. Once the traffic started moving, one car remained still in the right lane as two people frantically squirmed around in their hot little convertible mustang. It looked like they were trying to put clothes back on. Hmmmm. Then, not 70 feet later, a man in the shoulder of the right hand side of the road was dancing ... Nude. I just looked at Mandy and said "What on earth is going on tonight?!" We agreed that the evening had been nothing short of a dream.

The next morning as I gave my aunt Jan the long version of the weekend, she said "are you sure that was real? Perhaps you dreamed it all."

Yes, that's it. I think I dreamed it all. There was no crabby lady saying we could not do fireworks. There were no adolescent teenagers. No couple in the convertible. No nude man dancing. Just a normal Saturday night.

Family

2010-07-08T17:03:00.001-07:00

The Ziebart Family. This was the family we spent holidays with and always squirmed to leave early so not to be too late to Mom’s side of the family. (Mom’s side) The side of the family with the cousins we loved and the aunts we adored. The Ziebart family was loud and shocking and slightly uncomfortable. Harmony says it well in that she must prepare herself whenever a gathering comes about, and I wholeheartedly agree. It’s not that this family is bad, I love them all dearly, they are family. And the discussions are always ok, as long as you don’t get anyone started on politics, religion, sports, health or investments. Stick to Construction.

I love my Grandpa, afterall, he is the only Grandpa I have. Bryan and I were good friends, when we were little seeing that we went to pre-school together and all. Ben’s long hair mezmorized me, Uncle Norman scared me, Aunt Patty shushed me. We gathered at holidays … but that was it. Though we all mostly lived in the same city, we did not hang out. I don’t really know why.

So a few years ago Mandy got married and had me help with the gifts at her wedding, then I caught the boquet! I was enamored with her. Nick and Mandy moved back to the area a few years later and invited me to Portland, to their Bible Study. It was so out of my comfort zone, but out of lack of excuses and a deep desire for something new, I went. I started to get a small glimpse of their lives. School brought me here, and now I spend more time with them then pretty much anyone else.

Harmony asked me about a week ago if Mandy and I were friends. I laughed, sighed and responded in an email that yes indeed, Mandy, my Ziebart Cousin and I were friends. How mysterous our God is. This cousin that I have so many connections with, is now a deep part of my life. I am trusted with her kids and her kitchen. And I delight in being with her. Her devotion to God, her respect for her husband, her patience with neighbors, and her joy of being a mom - these things speak rivers to my soul. How thankful I am that the Lord closed doors on a job for me this summer. Mandy, if only you knew what joy it is to serve with you.

Freedom in Grace

2010-07-08T16:39:00.001-07:00

Oh to be free. To live in your grace.

To look upon your ever loving face.

What holds us back and keeps tight the chain?

Our insecure fears, and easily distracted ears.

Oh the strength of whispering your all – powerful name.

To be free. To live in your grace.

To look upon your ever loving face.

Pay Up

2010-07-08T16:22:00.001-07:00

“Those who are taught the word of God should help their teachers by paying them.” –Galations 6:6

Well Mr. Bible School … this is proving true. I don’t really know how I am paying for it, but there is no spending cap on the knowledge I am receiving under the study of my teachers.

Brother Lawrence

2010-06-30T11:28:00.001-07:00

Nick loaned me this book. And it is good. Really Good. I’ve been challenged and just finished reading it for the second time this week, and just bought my own copy so I can return Nicks and start marking up my own! You should buy a copy here for $3.64 and read it for yourself! Brother Lawrence lived like 300 years ago, and his sole purpose was to be in Gods presence. He did not see the difference between working, praying or sleeping. He worked to think on NOTHING but God. Here are just a few excerpts from his book …

If the vessel of our soul is still being tossed by winds or storms, we should wake the Lord who has been resting with us all along, and He will swiftly calm the sea. … I honestly cannot understand how people who claim to love the Lord can be content without practicing His presence. … Although I beg Him to do whatever He wishes with me, He does nothing but caress me. … once we get to know Him, we will think about Him even more often, because where our treasure is, there also is our heart! … Because of all He is to us, we owe Him our thoughts, words, and actions.”

Expansion Expanded

2010-06-29T01:00:00.001-07:00

(For Harmony)

I grew up mesmerized with the missionaries who came clothed in colorful cloth. They came with seaweed and bamboo and silk. They had stories. I wanted to be them. So bad, I wanted to be them. So, I spent my life striving to be them. I mean after all, if I am willing to go to the Amazon and be shot by a native tribe, then the Lord must send me right?

I spent every single class period in Mr. Bentleys room all throughout Jr. High and Highschool staring out the window; looking towards the western hills that lead to the Pacific which lead to Asia, which lead to Africa. Every day was a new story I would dream up, I would be clothed in one of those magnificent outfits, changing the world for Jesus! If there was anything that the AG taught me, and taught me well, it was how to be passionate. I was 16 and GOING to take over the world for Jesus. I wanted to go anywhere but home.

September 21, 2007 – I arrived in Budapest, Hungary and began the journey I just KNEW God was calling me to. Overseas, it was the first step. I learned some things that I liked to do, but I found lots of things that I didn’t. I missed the culture I knew how to reach. I missed home and longed to one day go to Portland.

So then I go to China! And I spend two months mentally jotting down every motion of a missionaries wife'; wanting, waiting, longing to be her. I found the life to be no where near as exciting as I once thought, it was still life. I also found the mission to be much harder than I thought.

On the way home from that trip, my sister told me it was time for me to go to school. And I was just in this place that I said “OK.” So I picked Multnomah because it was close to Grammy and the church Nick and Mandy were planting. And I enrolled in the intercultural program, because you get to spend a semester abroad … and that is what I am to do … right?

Here we are at the now part. The where I am at the present and where I am going with the future. The who I am and who I desire to become. I am serving at this church, and we are small. Smaller than the small church I grew up in. And I love it. I love it more than I think I have ever loved anything. We are full of inconsistency and hurt and needs. But, our joy and giving and love exceeds all of these. We serve in a Multi-cultural neighborhood … did you see the word culture? Yeah, I just saw it too. I think that is the key here.

Everything I study at school, everything I have learned about missions and cultures and fundraising – it applies right here! It applies more to this neighborhood than to anything else. I know my culture, and I can help teach it to someone else, and my studies of how to relate to them … that helps me …. HERE.

For the first time in my life I am truly content being exactly where I am. This is where I am serving. This is where I want to serve. This is where I want to stay. Who I am depends on who I allow myself to be in the Lord. Where I am allows me to delight in him more than if I were anywhere else. This is how I know I am to be here. Check out this old post to see more of why I delight in him.

So the question of do I have the courage to expand my life? I think I do … because I believe I am doing it right now.

Expansion

2010-06-28T14:09:00.001-07:00

“Life shrinks or expands according to one’s courage.” – Anais Nin

For my Birthday Justine gave me a journal in which she inserted scriptures and quotations every few pages. I love as I turn the page to write, that I find something inspiring already written. I am always caught aghast when they are fitting to what I am writing.

I write of my future and present. What I am and what I will become. Of What I do and what I wish to do. How I see myself and who I really am. Do I have the courage to expand my life?

Mr. Sun

2010-06-28T12:20:00.001-07:00

He came. I met him. He woke me up this morning with a gentle voice of repetitive rhythm. He is warm and engulfing and understanding. He came with Coffee. He spent the morning on the porch with me. We listened to music. We watched the clouds roll by and the birds carry worms to their young. We are going to spend the whole day together he and I. Tonight, he goes away, but with a promise of a morning return. Oh how much I need him!

1190

2010-06-26T09:44:00.001-07:00

Your listening to 1190, KEX, Home of Rush Limbaugh. and Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Your one stop stop for traffic/news/weather together. Brining you the best, when you need to hear it.

I feel hot. But the cold can of Mt. Dew between my legs is numbing my thighs. I smell sour cream and onion ruffles. I want to ask if I will be getting a “youllsee” today.I am sitting in the front seat! After all, a truck only has one seat. My seatbelt is sticky and there are sunflower seeds stuck to my salt water sandals. My fingers are fiddling with some pocket knife that I can open but not close.

I am with my Daddy. We are running errunds. Checking on a job site. And stopping at the grocery store to pick up more than the needed items. And its wonderful.

I listen to KEX now in the afternoons to check my traffic/news and weather together … And I think I am still that little girl. I am still sitting in the front seat and wondering if I will get myself a “youll see.” Its just a little different. Thank you KEX. And, Thank you Daddy.

#6

2010-06-22T00:45:00.001-07:00

I finished the Anne of Green Gables Series. It took me about a year and a half, because I had to slowly track down and purchase the series book by book, I own all but one – I borrowed that one from Harmony. I even read the pre-quil, written by L.M. Montgomerys Grandson. And I read the Last book, The Road to Yesterday. The last book is not always included in series because it does not focus on the main characters but rather others from the Community.

My favorite of the books was #4, Anne of Windy Poplars. Montgomery wrote this book 20 years after she finished the series because her readers wanted more detail. It is a book of letters between Anne and Gilbert from the 3 years they were apart before marriage. This book, more than the others really focuses on their characters. After this book, Gilberts Character all but disappears.

I am glad to have read the series so spread out, it helped me not get caught up in the unreality of it. Because no mom, Anne is not real. :) I deeply appreciate this series and feel that every girl should read it.

My conclusions :

Having the middle name Anne is pretty cool.

Some day I want to name my son Blythe.

The cookbook with recipes from the book is really cool. (Thanks Sarah!)

The movies are really true to the works.

Oh, and I didn’t tell you the best part! Did you know that Anne and I share the same Birthday? March 5. I knew we were Kindred Spirits! After I read this and screamed, I called my mom and told her the coolest thing ever happened! Her response? “Honey, cooler things will come.” Yes mom, cooler things will come, but this one is pretty cool.

Summer, where for art thou?

2010-06-22T00:34:00.001-07:00

Happy First Day of Summer. You know, Summer. A.K.A – A time when it is hot, the months between June and September. Sunshine, skirts and ice cream trucks. Swimming pools, bike riding and cold pasta salads. Well, here in the grand old North West we have experienced all of the above minus the sunshine and the heat. I heard that Portland Parks and Rec opened the public swimming pools today and despite the 62 degree overcast day, they were filled. I wear skirts – with leggings. I hear the ice cream truck roll drearily by. I ride my bike through puddles and eat cold pasta salad – inside.

I heard on the radio last week that we were to the point where even the die hard, rain loving Oregonians were allowed to be a little upset. Let me tell you, this brought me great relief. I have felt that my utter devotion and optimism to year round rain had to continue, but now I have an excuse! Did you know that on June 2 we surpassed the normal rainfall for May and June Combined? We set a new record. Every day since then we have just been adding to it.

Today was also he longest day of the year; they start getting shorter from here. That makes me sad. As I was driving over the Markum bridge tonight, looking west I saw a sliver of blue, of light. “Well, there is my longest day.” Other than that sliver, they sky was grey and filled with soggy clouds.

I remember being little and being so totally mesmerized with the longest day of the year, the first day of summer. I would wear shorts no matter the temperature. Yes Mom, I wore Capri’s today – I just couldn’t bring myself to do Jeans. But I remember one year on Wood Wind when my mom said I could stay up and play outside until it was dark – on the longest day of the year! It was so exciting. I ran around as Matthew and the other cold-a-sac boys played basketball with their shirts off. (that itself is an entirely different blog about why I was so frustrated that they could be shirtless and I could not! I mean hey, I was like 4.) We didn't go inside until close to 11 that night, you know, when the last sliver of blue disappeared.

Well, Summer, I know you are out the somewhere. I think you are Colorado. Please come, and then disappear when school starts, because it is so dreadfully hot in the dorms when it is 90 degrees … but I wont complain if you stay. Just come.

What I am … not.

2010-06-12T00:27:00.001-07:00

You know those people who like to be in the middle of the group? The center of the crowd? I don’t really like those people very much. But, I find that very often I am that person. Proverbs talks about the gentle and quiet spirit of a woman. I really enjoy being that woman more, you know?

My Field

2010-06-07T20:30:00.001-07:00

You might recall this post, about my field. Well, like two weeks ago I decided to go to it. And there was a house. In my field. The construction crew were out there, pounding away. In my field. I want to run to them and scream and tell them that they were building in my field, trespassing on my land. But that was not so. I had to let them build that house right there in my field. The kitchen was atop my little hill. With windows overlooking my railroad tracks and wheat fields and endless skies. But, it really wasn’t mine.

Today, I found a new field. It almost equals my other field. but this field runs under the power lines and is in a preserved area, I don’t think there is much chance of a house being build here. Thank you God, for my field.

Facebooks Eye

2010-06-06T10:15:00.001-07:00

In the movie Eagle Eye, there was this one mega computer that controlled and knew of every electronic communication devise. It could had hundreds of thousands of sensors that could communicate with or track people down through anything, billboards, cell phones and public computers. It was super creepy because the military created it to help monitor, but it ended up taking over!

Now to my point. This morning I was on CNN, seeing that it is my homepage, and all of a sudden it tells me of some video that Nick Mucci likes. On CNN. Granted, the video was pretty cool. But why did CNN tell me about something he liked? What if I didn’t to know? Is that an option? NO!

Then like 10 minutes later my Pandora told me that Sally DeBous like the artist I was listening to. At first I thought, “that’s cool.” Then I thought, “Why does Pandora know that???” Again, another website using my facebook friends and telling me things about them when I am not on facebook! Did you know that you can listen to your friends playlists from your Pandora without them knowing? Yeah, creepy.

Now, when I am on Facebook, I expect to hear things about people, to discover their likes and dislikes, but when I don’t want to know, I don’t go on it. But now I am finding out, that I will find out whether I want to or not! Whether I go on facebook or not! Now, I like people. But I am kinda weirded out by all this. I mean, there is a point where even an extreme extravert wants to not know things about other people! Is the Eagle Eye taking over? Hmmm.

Peanut butter and Banana Quesadilla

2010-06-03T20:48:00.001-07:00

With honey and Cinnamon. Mmmmmm.

Smoke

2010-05-19T23:34:00.001-07:00

This is a picture of Bangkok a week ago in the Midst of the Bombings.
This is a picture of Bangkok a year ago, during a storm.

Once city. Two different types of Smoke. Oh how much more I favor the latter of the two. How my heart breaks at the protests happening in the middle of the marvelous city that I miss so much.

Thrusting.

2010-05-18T00:00:00.001-07:00

I sat and read this and had to blog it. I know it is identical to this post called Coming, but it just is. I ususally skip verses when people write them out, and I didn't want to post it in my facebook status ... but its been over a month and I cant stop thinking and talking about it. I don't normally like the message, but I was reading Sharell's Bible today, and I loved the way it was phrased...

"When my heart whispered, 'Seek God,' my whole being replied, 'I'm seeking Him!' ( Psalm 27:8)

Every other version says "my heart responds." Being a Theology Major, I am not here to argue Translations ... but I really like that it says the whole being replies. How do we get our whole being to reply? Its not just words. We must act upon the seeking and the urging. We can not just respond verbally, but we must be physically trusted forward into the seeking of the Lord.!

#17

2010-05-11T19:25:00.001-07:00

Tonight I finished my blanket! I have not worked on it for about two weeks, I was waiting for this last week of school. During needle club this afternoon, Addy showed my how to make a boarder, so I sat for a good two hours, long after the club had broken up so I could finish. I needed to take Angela to work, so I made Katie drive and I finished my last row in my car … I was so excited. I really didn’t think I was going to accomplish this one people. Its big and cozy and everyone wants one, but this first one is for me.

Next I am going to make a circle blanket … doesn’t that sound cool? I mean, seriously … who has a circle blanket?

The colors are Grey, Green and Purple, you cant really tell its purple though.

See how big it is? Fits on my bed, and it kinda matches!

#10

2010-05-11T19:19:00.001-07:00

While in California we went to the Beach. It was so cold! Harmony opted not to bring any sweatshirts, because if it was cold enough to need sweatshirts, then we were not staying. Well, we found sweatshirts for the boys once we got there … but Harmony and I did not have any … and the boys wondered why we were leaving so soon!

I ran down to the waves, I touched them with my feet. They were crashing and large and dangerous looking. I don’t think I have ever seen such waves. I did not get in them. But seeing as I don’t think I will make it down to California again this year, I will have to say it counts. I didn’t swim in them, but I touched them… and that is good enough for me … unless I get to go back and actually swim … then I will make a new post.

Santa Rosa.

2010-05-11T19:16:00.001-07:00

Two weeks ago I flew down to California to spend time with my Sister and her Family, have I told you what a delight those kids are? Solomon, Benjamin and Ellenor, you make a very proud Aunt! One day Harmony went to take a nap, I opted to take the boys to the park.

Solomon: Mama, I think I would like to show Auntie Heather the rose garden, and maybe we could bring some books and lay quietly in the grass.

Mama: Well Solomon, you would have to ask Auntie Heather.

Me:Solomon, I would LOVE to take you to a rose garden and lay in the grass and read books with you! Benjamin, would you like that?

Benjamin: Yes … if we could have a snack too.

And so we went and smelled the roses. And read books about horses. And laid in the grass. And ate a snack. And had a delightful two hours. How many 4 and 5 year old boys do you know that would enjoy such and adventure?

And Ellenor … she calls me Eegers. We are friends again, before she would call me Grandma when on the phone … now she knows who I am … perhaps my status of favorite Aunt is returning?

Oh Enter in

2010-04-29T09:08:00.001-07:00

Oh Prostitute there you are walking, I see you but I’m not gawking.

On the street your hearts in pain, I wonder if you feel like a crimson stain. Do you know that Jesus can wash you clean again?

Why did you give away your gold, price cheaply something that can’t be sold?

That pain and loneliness needs no longer define who you are, accept your identity in him and come on out of that bar.

Oh Prostitute there you are walking, I see you but I'm not gawking.

Daughter of Zion, see his arms open wide, run into the embrace, you no longer need to hide.

That fear in your eyes, its from believing lies … but do you know the one who hears all your cries?

Enter into his courts with thanksgiving, enter his courts and experience holy living.

Oh Prostitute there you are walking, I see you but I’m not gawking.

Coming

2010-04-27T23:13:00.001-07:00

"My heart has heard you say 'Come and talk with me."
And my heart responds, "Lord I am coming." - Psalm 27:8

This verse has been stuck in my head for weeks now. When I sat down tonight determined to blog, its all I could think about. So, instead of this, I am going to that.

Mine.

2010-04-23T23:31:00.001-07:00

Today, I miss this field.

Ode to Sharell

2010-04-23T23:20:00.001-07:00

Today Sharell moved to Idaho. Now, I know she will be back in like three weeks to go on vacation with her family. And that I will see her this summer, and that we will talk probably more than we do now… but for some reason, it is really hard that she moved. I mean, we were always going to live together, we would be perfect roommates you know.

I said goodbye to her today at the Starbucks by mall 205. I wrote on her car: “I love you” and “Idaho or BUST".” I think she liked it.

She is going to pursue all she has strived after. To be an adult, to be on her own, to take over the world. And she will. She has her nice new car, and some money in savings. And a boyfriend who she says is a man … so I trust her. Clayton, you are with a very worthy woman.

If you don’t know my little sister, you wont understand when I tell you about her role in my life. How our friendship is physical and face to face and intense and legit. You wouldn’t know how brave she is, and the strong woman she is for pushing through all the crap life has brought at her. And she still has joy and purpose and drive.

I know I left first, and that really I haven't been around, but its going to be weird you not being here Sharell. I think I might just fast Muchos Grascious all together. A little chuck of me melted today to see you “all grown up.” Though I know in my heart that the majority of our lives will probably be spent apart. Know that I love you, in such a way that I love no one else.

Love, your big sister.

#12

2010-04-18T22:37:00.001-07:00

Tonight we finished our game. Its been 16 months, I’ll admit, we thought it would take longer. It was Christmas break 2008, and Heather got snowed in at my house. In order to escape boredom we started a two person game of rummy … playing to 10,000. If you don’t know, an average hand of rummy gets each person about 100 points … so you can see how many games we have had to play. Pretty much every time we have seen each other in the past year and half we have played, even if it just for like 15 minutes. It’s been what we did!

About a month ago I realized that we needed something to play for. So we created this: If I won, Heather had to make me any dinner I wanted and get me a shirt that declared my winning. If Heather won, I have to go on any hike she wants for a weekend campout.

Heather won. I played “We are the Champion's” and she did a happy dance. She told me I need to start working out cause we are going hiking soon. I am a little scared. But then, I realized that an overnight hiking trip is on my list too, #9.

Final score? 10,100 to 9,825. Now that we are done … what are we going to do when we are together? Well … we are looking at starting a new game … just not rummy. Oh, and I plan on winning this time.

Thailand

2010-04-16T00:26:00.000-07:00

I miss Thailand. This time last year ... I was there. Laying on the beach. Tan. Drinking coconut milkshakes from a restaurant called Charlie Browns. Taking Zoe for $.30 7/11 Slurpees. Walking the markets. Being refreshed by air conditioning. Eating noodles and rice and skewers with my fingers. Mastering chop sticks. Being shuttled by taxi and tuk tuk and motorcycle boys. I miss the egg boy in the mornings at Narateewa, and the view of hazy city when I would wake up in the mornings. The flash storms. The smell of spices and heat and people. I miss not having to spend a bunch of time on my outfits for the day. Trying to figure out menu's and signs in a language other than my own. Wandering in the city, trying to get lost. I miss six dollar massages. Wine on the airplane and sunsets that blow everything out of the water. Bowing to everybody and the genuine smiles the protruded from strangers. Shrines to foreign gods in front of every single door - and being constantly reminded to pray for a nation and people lost in the darkness of the absence of truth. I miss feeling safe, even though I probably shouldn't have been.

When I was there, I said I wanted to stay forever. By the end, I decided that I didn't based upon the heat being too intense and my lack of interest in such a huge city or living on a beach. The farther away I get from there, the more I want to go back. I need to go back. Of the 13 Countries I have been to outside of America, it is the only one I think about daily, the only one I could see myself going back to.

I splurged tonight to buy myself Thai dinner on the urging of Jerren. It was a disappointment. I should have paid like a dollar more to get the Pine Apple Fried Rice. Now, I sit with a cup of hot Thai Chai and am happy ... but still dreaming of that wonderful land...

Oh to be Rescued

2010-03-31T18:25:00.000-07:00

I went hiking with Heather last week. On the way out of the .5 mi hike, I realized that the key I had so delicately placed in my small camel pack pocket was indeed the wrong key. I got a bit excited about how AAA would come to rescue me! Heather was a little nervous. When I called my parents and left a message about how I needed the account information because my wallet was also inside the car, my mom left another message on my phone that said the following ... "Heard that you called AAA, sounds like a good story, call us and fill us in!"

Heather thought it was hilarious that my parents were not worried, they just wanted a good story.

Today I went to Bi-Partisan Cafe to get Internet since the schools has been down for two days. Right as I was preparing to leave, I realized I locked my keys in the Car. Cortni came to rescue me! She dropped the keys and zipped off to her 11am. I jumped in the car to make it to my 11am ... and found the battery dead. I had left the keys in the ignition. AAA came again. I missed my class, but I was rescued.

This rescuer was a nice guy, though he had stash and three missing front teeth. I told him how I appreciated being rescued. I just laughed again today, how do I do it? I don't know ... but I do know that I love being rescued. Thank you Daddy for AAA and one of the best and most used investments in my life!

Glory

2010-03-24T13:07:00.000-07:00

After a night in Bend with the Potters, I drove back to Portland on 26, by way of Madras and Mt. Hood. On my way I took a stop off at Smith Rock. I sat and watched the rock climbers and hikers. It was 65 degrees and sunny.

#5

2010-03-24T10:07:00.001-07:00

My Parents went to California this week to visit Harmony. They Rented a car for their trip. I drove the car around the block before they left. :)

Sarcasm

2010-03-15T21:00:00.000-07:00

This week I am attempting to use no sarcasm. I find I use it too much, too often. I use it when I am uncomfortable, to make others feel at ease, or to lighten a tense situation. I use it to cover being negative, so that I can say "See, I am being positive!" When really, my heart is not. I use it as a natural response to compliments, perhaps I don't know how to receive them very well. It seems to be so much of a part of my conversation that I cant decider it from my normal speech.

So, this week I am trying to stop all of it, to make myself more aware of it. I want to see what I say, and when ... and why. I am letting people know so that they can hold me accountable, see if you can catch me! This might mean I need to not talk at some points ... but that is OK with me, I want my speech to reflect the Lord, and if it doesn't, then I don't need to talk.

As Thumper's Dad said in Bambi "if you don't got nothing nice to say then don't say nothing at all."

"May the words of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart, be pleasing to you O Lord, my rock and my redeemer. " -Psalm 19:14

Want to know the funny part? This week in my Bible Study Methods class we are studying and learning about Irony. HA!

#7

2010-03-15T20:59:00.000-07:00

I completed the first of my goals for the year, the day after my birthday. I got my nose pierced. I don't have any good pictures though. Many people have told me before that I should get it done, but I didn't want to cause I thought it would be a bother with snot! Well, it is really cute, but a little annoying ... but much to my surprise, it is no problem to blow my nose... especially after soaking it in salt water!

21 things I will do during my 21st year

2010-03-04T21:14:00.001-08:00

1. Read the Bible through twice
2. Go Skydiving
3. Drive to Canada
4. Hit 150,000 miles in my car
5. Drive a rental car
6. Finish the Anne of Green Gables Series
7. Get a new piercing
8. Make Beef Bourguignon
9. Go on an overnight backpacking hiking trip!
10. Swim in the Californinan Ocean
11. Finish restoring my trunk
12. Win my ongoing rummy game with Heather
13. Make the aprin I have material for
14. Make capri-sun purses with the capri suns I have
15. Purchase an ipod
16. Learn how to knit
17. Crochet a blanket
18. Crochet 200 hats
19. Go Cow tipping
20. Teach Angela to drive
21. Go wine tasting

Tangerine

2010-02-15T16:33:00.001-08:00

A man stood throwing presumably stale bread to the seagulls. I called out, “would you like some oranges?”

“Sure would!” He responded.

As my hands passed the small orange parcels out the window he commented,

“These are Tangerines Darling… Thank you!” (he was right! Geesh, I should learn my fruit!)

He put down his sign which read “I need everything.” And peeled his “tangerines.” I drove away. Happy that both the birds and Man had an afternoon snack.

Technorati Tags: homeless

Oh Varmonious Day!

2010-02-12T10:35:00.000-08:00

I was scapoomping down the charsay on a varmonious neon day.
I thunkered upon a scarshwog and punkered up what to say...

"Farvo! Mr. Scarshwog, nis you see the varmonious day?"
"Rey!Rey!" The wog replied, and boped barring away.

Sumbered by his exut, I winued farther on,
with the neon slobbering my face and Mr. Scarshwog newly gone.

A plink fell from above and dashed my dainty crown.
"Gerrar! Gerrar!" And I slushed quickly around ...

A moger in a snee harled with glee and raised another plink towards me.

"Nay! Mr. Moger, tis my charsay
you can not spake my varmonious day!"

Con the neon slobbering on my face and the charsay beneath my digits,
I raised my crown towards the neon and set off towards the limering higits...

Presence of the Lord

2010-02-07T00:31:00.001-08:00

Sharell and I were driving home from a late night beach trip discussing the wonders and grace of God. How is it that we are where we are? That we grew up following and loving Jesus and still do. So many people are not following what they once were. Why us? It is by the grace of God. By praying parents. By a church that laid hands. By youth pastors wives and teachers who looked us in the eyes and told us we were going to make it.

Sharell said she never gave up because she knows there is just something more, something better. In every instance she has been so close to just throwing in the towel, she has been too curious as to what the Lord has in store for her.

I’ve never given up because I’ve never been outside of the presence of the Lord. I don’t know anything other than him. At times the world has looked appealing and depression has called my name … but I was too fearful to step outside the bounds of his presence. “Where can I go to flee from your presence?… even in the depths of the sea you are there …”

Gone are my fears of sharing my testimony. My testimony is my story, and my story is that of the presence of the Lord. I want to share it and continue in it and revel in it.

I am 20 and I don’t have very many answers. Many factors show that I should not be where I am. But I am here. And in the presence of the Lord I will stay.

Persecution

2010-02-07T00:19:00.001-08:00

I use to wonder upon Persecution. Of limb-stretching's, tongue slashings, and mind warping’s. Of the hero’s who stood strong like Daniel and Stephen and Paul. We pray for the persecuted church. We pray for those persecuted. Oh to be persecuted! Of course I would stand strong to the face of my killer! I would not degrade the name of my Lord! … Or Would I? Peter did. Am I any different?

I’ve heard that the Chinese leaders don’t want the American Church to pray against persecution, but for the Christians to withstand the persecution. They believe that the persecution strengthens the faith of the believers and helps sift the true believers from those putting on a face. Without persecution, the American church is full of fakers.

So, what is this persecution? I once had a goal to be persecuted … I don’t know if this is something to be achieved, its not really a goal of mine anymore. John writes the words of Jesus telling us that when we are hated, it is not us that the world hates, but Him. I am beginning to wonder if hate is persecution.

There are people who don’t like me very much. Perhaps they hate me. I suppose they are convicted by me, or my lifestyle … and it hurts. But I am coming to realize it is not me they hate, it is Christ in me. I cant take offense to the immaturity. I would rather have Christ and life, then not have Christ and be made right with every person.

Perhaps this hating is persecution. I know it doesn’t compare to the stories we read about of Christians in Communist countries, but perhaps it is all linked. We are all hated for Christ.

The Best Present Ever Received.

2010-02-05T22:24:00.000-08:00

I've collected thimble for the past 12 years. I started collecting when I was in the 3rd Grade. My teacher Mrs. Owens collected spoons, and as I began looking for spoons to fulfill her collection, I happened upon thimbles. Around the time of discovering them, I met someone else who collected them ... I just don't remember who that was. Well, after some sort of deliberation, I announced to my parents that I was going to begin collecting. I am sure they had a most positive response while thinking to themselves "OK, but this wont last." Oh but you were wrong!

Although I don't remember my first thimble I remember one of the first. My brothers friend Ryan Welty purchased me one on his high school band trip to Germany. It had a picture of a castle on it and instead of the boring white porcelain that normally encumbrances the fingertips sized cup, it was metal and covered with vines - and gorgeous! I knew then that I had to keep up my collection.

Well, I accumulated a lot of these. More friends would gather them during trips, I eventually filled up a thimble case, then another. It was at this point that I received the best gift I think I have ever received. Over a year ago I was antique shopping with Heather as we love to do and I found this old letter type drawer, I told Heather it would make the coolest thimble case!
Well, as best friends do, she remembered the really important random comment I threw out. This Christmas, Heather, her dad (and well, her whole family) worked on converting an antique type letter drawer into a full pledged thimble case for me! It looks exactly like this, except plexi-glass and hooks were added...

Tonight Heather was wonderful and patient and loving as I sat and updated the little slips of paper inside each thimble of the time and place where each was bought. She acted as if she really cared when I told her stories and prices and useless information. She even allowed me to dump all the thimbles out of the case after I was nearing the end (also note that it was her idea in the first place that I rejected) and let me re-organize them according to location.

Well, I have the most awesome thimble case in the entire world and it looks amazing in my non-bedroom. If I ever need another case... I know where to look. Oh, and did I tell you I counted them? 201 thimbles. That's a lot... how many will I have when I die... what does one do with a random collection of such monstrous size upon someones death? I think I need to stop this blog.

"Pink Mist" - An anthropological Report of Multnomah University

2010-02-04T19:53:00.000-08:00

The following was co-written by Sarah Jones and Myself during a Video day of our Cultural Anthropology Class. The red was written by myself and the green was written by Sarah.

Once their was a Multnomah Student named Heather Sarah. Or Sarah Heather. Because the two names are equivalent and half of the girls at Multnomah are either named Sarah or Heather. With such superior names, this girl felt that she had a pretty good understanding on Multnomah Culture. First of all, she decided it was most necessary for a book to be written so that teh outside world might better understand the sub-culture living off Glisan Street. A publisher caught wind of the case study book while the girl was at lunch.

Since the JCA is the hub of much of Multnomah culture, the publisher decided to join the girl for a meal so that he could witness some of the anthropological phenomenons the girl had spoken of. They were not disappointed. First, they observed the pressure that students unconsciously felt to groan and complain when seeing the menu on the cafeteria door, whether they were truly disappointed by the food selection or not. it is simply not socially acceptable to be optimistic about Aarmark food. Second was the color of the air ... if looked at close enough, it appeared to be a tinge of pink! This so called "mist" had settled firmly among many a couple, and a little more gently upon others. Just as it was socially unacceptable fore one to be optimistic about Aarmark food, it was also socially unacceptable to be uncomfortable with the settling thick mist.

After an overwhelming amount of culture shock, the publisher turned anthropologist rushed out for a much needed break and debriefing But on their way they were stooped dead in their tracks by the most obvious and awkward result of the pink mist - the infamous DTR benches. Conveniently located within viewing range of either the dorms or JCA, these benches were occupied by couples ( and in some cases, room for Jesus) who were all in obviously serious conversation. Some talked quickly with serious and passionate expressions. Others simply murmured and giggled. Common between all occupied benches, however, were two things: the frequent passerby pretending not to be desperately eavesdropping and the dozen pairs of eyes shamelessly watching each couple from the cover of their rooms.

Overwhelmed by such relational intensity, the anthropologist decided to sit in on a Multnomah Class. The class he happened in upon was non other than Cultural Anthropology by Dr. Martin Alphonse. It was here that the case study was formally presented and was warmly accepted. Full of optimism, the young anthropologist publisher walked to his car parked in the Promised Land. A coat of light petals dropped onto the windshield just as the car rolled over the first speed bump. Happy about the breakthrough in the case study and thinking about the upcoming book, only Sarah Heather noticed the linking of eyes between Mr. Anthropology and the mysterious young converse wearing Multnomah Woman who walked by... Pink Mist Indeed!

The last of the lice

2010-01-23T22:57:00.000-08:00

You might notice that I have some ads on my page now, way down towards the bottom. I am hoping to make some money with them there, but seeing as I don't have many visitors, I doubt I will. If they bother or offend you, let me know, cause I don't look at the same page you do.

Today as I jumped on to check out my new blog I glanced at the ads, the first ad up said "Got head lice? Click here for fast results!" Seriously! How creepy is that? I just want all the lice to GO AWAY.

Stillness in the Noise

2010-01-23T20:31:00.001-08:00

(I just got my documents back after my computer was restored. This was on my WindowsLiveWriter from back in October…)

Being home when my entire family is there can be a bit overwhelming. Twelve people, five of them under the age of six. It’s crowded and loud and fast-paced. Adults are cut off during the mid of every third sentence by a child reaching, grasping, crying or disobeying. There is clutter covering the floor, dishes tower high with food remnants that are nearing the consistency of plastic. Shoes misplaced, hands are grimy from fruit and pool water, and the laundry spills into the kitchen where too many people are attempting to pass through.

Among the noise and chaos, there is utter, fast-paced joy. It is the touch of a hand on an arm from the passing of rooms. It is the ice breaking, thick air cutting innocence of a toddler’s sudden nakedness. It is a sound mixture of constant laughter, audible book reading, piano key ringing, sighs of relaxation and pan clanging. Yet within the pandemonium, there is a stillness of familiarity and comfort. This is home, it is all of these things, but of them all, it is the incessant atmosphere of love. This is the place I know and want to be most of all.

(this was a little paper I had to write for my English Composition Class and I thought I would share it on here)

Lice Man

2010-01-22T16:21:00.000-08:00

If you read my last blog you might have seen a link to a craigslist post of a man looking for lice. Well, it intrigued me so much that I emailed him inquiring if he was a scientist or if he just wanted lice in his own hair. The following is the email I received in reply...

aye , yes I do. I am not a scientist. I want lice in my hair because my hair is falling out and I have mild headaches and I am geting dreadlocks and because I have nightmares. Many years ago I had lice (when I was 9 or 10 years old) and it felt really good to have them and I stopped having nightmares for like a couple of weeks. Lice aren't dangerous and they don't spread disease what's scary is that the products for getting rid of headlice can cause convultions. I have observed that dogs which dont have fleas 'dream' while those who do have fleas dont dream. lice are to humans as fleas are to dogs. I hope this answers some of your questions , I could go on and on. thanks for writing.

Craigslist Cries

2010-01-21T19:02:00.000-08:00

I sometimes enjoy scrolling through the general community section on Craigslist. This is just where people write about random free community things. A 22 year old christian man looking for friends and encouragement. Someone lost their head lice and wants more ... live ... will come come pick it out of your head. (you think I am joking? http://portland.craigslist.org/mlt/com/1564345786.html I am not) Then there was the group recruiting for a cult. I looked up the definition of a cult, "a particular system of worship" and "a religion considered to be false." Why would you want to advertise for something that is false by definition? Well, at least in the informational part of this one they said they see themselves as a fairly good cult.

I like reading these posts because they give me a glimpse of what is going on in my community. Of what people are interested in. What they are desperate for. What their worldview is. Ways I can better reach out. What a cool ministry to just reach out to all those crying out on Craigslist.

Peters wife?

2010-01-18T21:35:00.000-08:00

Matthew chapter 8, Jesus heals Peter's Mother-in-law. Peter had a mother-in-law. That means, Peter was married. Married?

I always thought of the disciples as these young bachelors! No, he was married. Dudes didnt usually marry until they were 30-40, and they only lived to 50-60 ..... so Peter was an olderish man. A married man.

Weird.

Provision

2010-01-18T21:25:00.001-08:00

"And he will give you all you need from day to day if you live in him and make the Kingdom of God your primary concern."

I know God provides. I trust in him for all things. For food. For gas. For bills. I trust he will provide. But, his provision is hindged upon us making the Kingdom of God our primary concern. Many people trust the Lord to provide, but they are not living for the Kingdom ... I am trying to live for the Kingdom. I want the Kingdom to be my concern, my primary concern. I am not living for me but for him ... at that point he will provide and take care of ALL our needs because we are not living for ourselves.

This sounds like a blessing preaching, its not. I am studying for a Gospels quiz tomorrow and this just stood out. The Kingdom needs to be more of a concern of mine.

Bi-Yearly Joy

2010-01-09T23:54:00.000-08:00

Justine and I have an unlikely friendship. We have bi-yearly dinner dates that last at least five hours. When we get together, we talk about everything, mainly how our lives revolve around God, and what he is doing and how we can be more productive about getting where he wants us to be. We connect and find similarities and share our hearts. I wish we lived near each other, but for whatever reason, God thinks this relationships is best for now. All I know is that she is encouraging and a very much needed part of my life.

We met in Sunday School at peoples church when we were like four. We did missionettes with Kirsten. We went to Jamaica. Then she moved churches and we lost contact... until Facebook arrived and we found each other: She was in Germany and I was in Hungary. I lives intercepted again when we both returned home, lost and searching for the next part of our lives. We get together and eat ethnic foods, tonight she introduced me to Sushi. We partake in multiple course meals. We lament on how we wish we were MK's. Tonight we compared ourselves to literary characters. Her being most like Laura Ingles, myself most like Josephine March. We are expressive and loud water gulpers.

I shared with Justine what God really taught me this week, I think he has been trying to teach me for a long time. We have heard that in our weakness we are made strong in him. I hear this and know this and try to accept this. Then I started putting it all together: "The Joy of the LORD is my strength." OK so, when we are weak, God is our strength. The strength comes in the form of his Joy. So our strength is joy. When we are weak, we can be joyful! This makes sense when Paul tells us to rejoice in trials and persecution. It is not fake happiness, it is Joy of the Lord despite our current situation! This is so pivotal! We become weak so often, but if we can have Joy in the Lord in the midst of weakness, we will be strong! I may be weak, but you can not steal my Joy!

Goodnight Justine, Thank you for letting me share this gibberish with you tonight. I loved our moving meal at Sushi, and Coffee House, and Sharri's.

My Party.

2010-01-09T00:15:00.000-08:00

I had a party tonight. It was probably the best I have ever thrown. I don't throw magnificent parties, we don't have hoping music or entertainment or even really a set schedule, but we have fun. Its been a long time since my group from high school as gotten together, I really wanted tonight to be special. Marshall was home for two more days before heading back to Florida. Josh was here making sure everyone knew that Mal was his WIFE! Darian came, its been a long time since we have seen each other! Nathan brought Andrea, he was like a new person! He was animated and super social, way to go Andrea!

17 people came tonight. 9/11 of my graduation class, plus some. Its great to see that two and a half years later, we can begin to look past our differences and possibly pursue friendships. These may not be the people I spend the bulk of my time with, but I do love them and want them in my life. I realized yesterday that one of my friendships might be over, but I am glad that I figured it out. I think I have been falsely clinging to the possibility of repeating the past, when I know there is no truth in that.

My sister still likes to have reunions of her old "group." Its not super often, but when it does happen, it is usually good. I mean, we are told "the friendship you have in high school wont last." Well I think there is only some truth to that statement. My closest friendships came out of high school. And of the other friendships, we are not close, but we are still friends, they are still people I would stop in the grocery store to talk to. I mean, we lived community together for 6 years some of us, no wonder we want to continue pursing relationships.

My Favorite places to be

2010-01-06T15:58:00.000-08:00

Grammys House.
My Car, driving anywhere.
The I-5 Bridge that crosses downtown Portland, at that one curve where you can see the whole city!
Mars Hill in Athens Greece.
Thailand.
Gov Cup.
The middle of nowhere. Alone.
In the rain.

Graveyard Meal

2009-12-23T16:46:00.000-08:00

After it was all picked up

A pile of cheese pealed off the car. It was wet. And sticky. And seriously disgusting.

This scene as been about our yard many a times... but never with cheese. Will the culprit please stand and explain themseleves?

You will notice it was my brothers car not mine that was "cheesed". Good job guys.

Can you see the nasty cheese on the windshield? GAH!

Very creative I must say.

Blogging

2009-12-23T16:23:00.000-08:00

So my computer has been broken for like two months. It was really nice to be honest, I didnt have my internet to turn to when I was bored, I tended to read more books. I didn't have music, but I got use to that after my ipod was stolen in Korea last Spring. I did get an awesome stereo set up that I wont change even if I do get an ipod again and now that my computer is fixed, I have these awesome speakers plugged into Heather's borrowed disman and the sound from the radio is great!

I think my only problem with not having my computer was my lack of being able to blog. I bloged a few times yes, but sitting in the computer lounge with crackling headphones is not quite the atmosphere one longs for when trying to connect thoughts to the outside world. Ahh, but now I can blog - let see if I can keep up on it again. Sitting here in my living room at home, watching Anne of Green Gables (yes its like the 3rd time this month), I am so excited for Christmas!

More to come later...

Seriously

2009-12-07T12:44:00.000-08:00

P.S. Yesterday, I was at Jo Anns feasting with my eyes and getting a few things for Christmas projects. As I stood in line I thought about how nice it would be to eat a Reeces Christmas Tree. You know how they make them shapped all cool? Yeah, well they taste beter in the shape of a tree and I wanted one. But what did I find? A reeces heart. Yes People, a heart. I was a little confused until I noticed the SpongeBob Valentines next to it. I understood fully. And I did not buy a Reeces.

Its not even Christmas! Gah. Consumerism is retarded.

My Church

2009-12-07T12:23:00.001-08:00

Have I told you about my church? I like it a lot ... It has been a long time since I have really enjoyed a church. It's called Kononia PDX and is located in the St. Johns neighborhood of North Portland, the pastor is my cousen Mandy's husban Nick. Nick and Many just adopted two wonderful boys on Thanksgiving day and are learning very quickly what it means to be parents!

Yesterday we had donoughts and strawberry pastry and a fire. I ruined a pot of coffee by not puting a filter in and we almost used the communion juice for breakfast! There was a fire roaring in under the hearth and christmas icicle lights dangling above canvas artwork. We lost the keys to the cabinet and spent a good fifteen minutes searching everywhere. Finally I went in the Kitchen and asked the Lord to just make the keys appear, just then (seriously that moment!) Celina screamed and I heared the famaliar sound of jingling. Oh Lord, you do take care of your children.

We had I believe sixteen people yesterday, excluding Mandy and the boys (they have yet to make their formal entrance into the church family.) Sixteen, maybe you dont get it, but that is super exciting! There was a new face and in our attempt to be welcoming I fear we were a little overwhelming, we can only pray he saw the intentions of our hearts. The three little girls were really well behaved, they were able to sit at the kids table in the same room as the adults and play with stickers quietely. I was able to color and listen to the sermon, seriously the best of both worlds right there!

Nick gave a great message on the Advent, on what it looks like to get messy. He gives the story example in his blog. We are learning about the Advent Conspiracy theory which started a few years ago by the good people over at Imago Deo church. The theory is that we need to take the money would spend on christmas and give it away, for christmas presents we can make things, or give our time, our presence. I really love this, thought I dont have much money to give, I usually just give presents that I made or involve my time anyway, but it put everything into persepctive.

After church yesterday we had potato soup. It was delisous! Then I spent time with Mandy and Celina as we made a couple house visits and I met a wonderful woman named Cookie. We stopped at Julias house, and saw Jeff and Debbies dogs and chatted with the neighbor whose name we did not know about how much he enjoys the new little boys. We had tea and dropped Many back off, I think I saw little Richard through the window (I have yet to meet the boys.) My day was plesant, I was not in a hury, I anticipated spending my entire dy "at church" which if you havnt caught on by now is not really a place. Well, we do meet in a place, but that is not the essence of it. It is a community, maybe a small community for now, but a community of people living, growing and serving each other. I love my church and want to be a part of it for a long time. I am thankful for the Lord leading me to Portland where I can be a part of this church plant, I only hope that I can serve more and

Oh the Joy

2009-11-14T05:55:00.000-08:00

Wiggles.Coffee with gingerbread creamer. Darkness. And not yet six am. Oh the joys of babysitting.

Oh to Sing

2009-10-22T12:23:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to add one thing I forgot about last nights blog! After Volleyball, before my bath, I caught the second half of my neighbors watching "Singing in the Rain!" Oh it was heavenly.... I mean, it did infact rain yesterday. And I do love to sing in the rain.

Wonderful Wednesday

2009-10-21T22:43:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day. I woke up to it raining! I was in a great mood and well rested. I like Wednesdays, get coffee and have 2 classes back to back in the Library with the cozy seats. It is my only class with Courtney. I am done before noon. My dad showed up randomly and we had lunch at Burgerville, he came bearing gifts of humus and pumpkin bars. (Yes Katy, Pumpkin.:)

Then my favorite, afternoons with Grammy. She was super chipper today. I cleaned out her pantry and found a bottle Mapeline, stuff you use to make your own mapel syrup ... it was from 1979. Harm, can you believe that bottle has been sitting on that shelf since before you were born?! Volleyball was short today, then I cam back and took a BATH in the ARD apartment. Now I am sitting on facebook talking to two of my favorite people.

Autum in P-town

2009-10-20T11:51:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had a day all to myself and it was amazing! It started in the Hollywood district with a stop off at Trader Joe's to pick up a few more boxes of the amazing pumpkin pancake mix (just making sure there is enough to get through the season). I purposefully left my bag in the car so that I would have to buy one inside and splurged to buy the brown one I have had my eye on for a while now. ( I was unable to find a picture of it online to show you all...
Then I had breakfast at Panera Bread, which is becoming one of my most favorite of places, and how convenient that it was right next door to Trader Joe's! I had a pumpkin "Muffie", just like a little muffin thing.
I drove and parked at Lloyd Center and found it odd to be in the place we use to go every day after Thanksgiving, I watched the Double Tree Inns elevator go up and down in its elegant style. The max dropped me off at China town and I walked for an hour and a half seeking out a great coffee shop to do homework. Well, I got lost in Powells books, found Voodoo Donuts, almost bought a dress at Avalon and fed 29 pigeons at Pioneer Square. The max too me back to my car 20 minutes before my four hour time limit was up. I drove next to Mt. Tabor which is super close to my school and did most of my homework, until a dude with a really loud drum interrupted my Spanish pronunciation exercises. Back in the car, to Hawthorne, another attempt at a cool coffee shop. Didn't find one. I sat in the little coffee shop attached to "Powells Hawthorne" and finished up my Pentateuch. I want to go back to Hawthorne.
Gas prices lowered. I bought pumpkin creamer at Safeway. I went back to the dorms and found everyone back from Mid-Semester Break! I watched 7 episodes of the first season of Boy Meets World, Set up the empty room in our hall into a hang out room and went to bed.
I am so glad I live in Portland!

Fall in Oregon.

2009-10-19T00:27:00.000-07:00

Today I flew home from a short trip to California with my volleyball team. I don't very much like California.

As the plane began decsent my eyes wandered out the window as they usually do, but I believe that today was the most magnificent landing I have ever experienced on an airplane. Flying north over my favorite downtown I began to count bridges, the plane viered left to make a sharp right, placing us on the west hills outside of the city. Below, all I could see was hundreds and hundreds of trees. This is always such a welcoming sight, to fly into Oregon and to see the trees, the green... but today it was not green, it was very similar to this picture. Down below was a golden sea and it was magnificent! I grabbed Sally and Hannahs attention and we all peered like little children in awe of Fall. Over Suavy Island we flew, noticing this years "Trail Blazer" cut out shape on the hay maze. The rivers, the boats, the cotton candy clouds, but oh the trees.

Thank you Lord for letting ME live here, in such and amazing city, a place that I appreciate and crave thrill in.

A week in the life of a college student

2009-10-10T10:45:00.001-07:00

I am giving up on getting my computer fixed anytime soon, I cant even turn it on right now. So, I will revert back to this, a desktop, the computer lounge and a keyboard not quite accustomed to my fingers.

This week was really busy, it was mid terms week already, I couldnt believe it! Week 7 of 14 of this semester. That means I am half way through till Christmas!!!! (only 75 days by the way...) Speaking of, I was totally in Target this morning and one of those little CD preview stations was playing Christmas Music! Oh it was delightful to hear as I stood admiring the sweaters just accross the asile.

Sunday I went to Spanish church, and locked my keys in my car and had to call AAA. On the way home from that I met the homeless lady Joquel. We had a really good conversation and she told me she was just trying to gather $20.00 to buy bird food for her birds foxy and moxy. I am not sure if I believe her or not... but she was a dear lady and I got to pray with her and she was so thankful!

On Tuesday this week all classes were canceled due to an all school outreach day. We were all put into little groups and did outreach in our community (it was mainly yard work for elderly, or feeding the homeless downtown) I had a group of 4. We got our assignment, picked up our tools then loaded into my car. Not sure why we did that consdering I have a two door. We opened the sunroof and put the rakes and shovels in through through the roof, the guys had to climb in the back and hold them out of my driving visibility. We arrived at our house on 72nd st. And Karron waved to us as we parked our car, she was waiting for us to come. She met us in the back yard and we just started cleaning. Ivy was taking everything over, so we mainly just cleaned up, pulled weeds, trimed trees and bushes. She came out and sat on her walker and clipped bushes right with us.

The neighbor next door was another elderly lady who we also had students working for, it was so much fun to be right along side, us talking to the other students, the two elderly ladys talking to each other. We spent about three hours there and had a wonderful time, her yard looked really good. Courtney and I had a chance to pray with her as the guys carried everything to the front yard. It really wasnt an assignment for us to be there.

After leaving Karron I wanted to go back and chat with her. I learned that there use to be a ministry on campus of girls who did follow up with the elderly ladies from Outreach day. I got the information on that minstry and am looking into starting it back up. There seems to be interest here on campus from a number of girls, and there is nothing I would enjoy more then getting to spend time with elderly ladies each week!

Wednesday I was super excited cause it was my grammy day, but my car wouldnt start... I almost called AAA again.

Thursday I participated in a debate in World Christianity about whether Family or Ministry is more important. I had been placed on the Family side. It was fun, but I think it was kinda pointless. I dont think either one is more important, there just needs to be an equal balance. One person put it after it was all over "Ministry is more important but family needs to come first." Anyways I dont want to get in the debate again, but it was a fun experience and I got some extra credit...

Friday I finished up my last of 4 mid terms, then made a calandar for our dorm hall considering the one still up said August/September. Then we had our Senior Night Volleyball game. Mama and Daddy came, Daddy figured out what was wrong with my car (supposedly I have lights on my mirror and they were left on... I didnt even know I had lights there!) So we didnt have to call AAA after all.

Now (Saturday) I am headed to eat. Saturday Morning Brunch is my favorite meal on campus. There is lunch and breakfast stuff. Usually pasta and a waffle bar and so many other wondreful things! Then I get to go spend a few hours with my wonderful, beloved Grammy, She is my favorite person in the world and I feel spoiled that I get to even be around her at all! Then home for a wedding tomorrow.

Its been a good week...